Turning Judgement Into Curiosity
It’s come to my attention that I have a wee bit of an unspoken rulebook when it comes to posting vulnerable things publicly.
The appropriate response is oodles of gratitude and/or responding with OMG ME TOO.
Under no circumstance is someone supposed to respond with pity or anything that sounds similar to there, there you pathetic thing OR You just have to believe in yourself! You’ll get there!
That’s the kind of life coach bullshit that grosses me out (and that I’m totally guilty of dispensing from time to time).
If you’re not sure what I mean, watch this 15 second video: https://youtu.be/yDW7lBF8VHE
If you ARE sure you know what I mean, watch the video anyway because it’s hilarious.
So when I posted that I felt inadequate at Mastermind, MOST people followed my rules and thanked me or said OMG ME TOO.
But there was one person who really didn’t and my gut response was to virtually throat punch her.
I won’t post her response here, because it doesn’t really matter. Her words aren’t good or bad until I apply meaning to them. I know this because someone else could read what she wrote and think it was perfectly fine.
What matters is what I took her words to mean and how that made me feel.
My thoughts were: How dare this sucky person pity me on Slack. That made me feel pissy, which lead to me judging her as less than me and double-thinking posting in the first place. The result of this is that I pitied her and showed up sucky in my thinking about my Slack post.
When I think this way and notice myself feeling negatively, I’m starting to lean back and ask myself, “What’s really going on here?”
When I can look at this with curiosity instead of self-judgement, I can see that I have this idea that some people are better and some people are worse than me when it comes to coaching.
When I perceive someone as being worse than me, I think that they shouldn’t be coaching me or dispensing any words whatsoever. They should stay quiet. If they do speak up, I dismiss what they are saying altogether and think negatively of them.
If I step back even further I can see that if I think some people are worse than me, then I also think some people are better than me. Around those people I think I shouldn’t show up as a coach with them and that I should stay quiet. I assume that they will dismiss me and my ideas and that they will think negatively of me.
I stay small and I don’t speak up at all.
I also don’t learn from newer coaches and shut down what they have to offer.
Wow. It’s good for me to see this, but wow. I didn’t realize I had that going on.
Now that I see it, I can’t unsee it.
So I asked myself, what could I think instead?
The thought that feels believable to me instead is this: This is what she’d most want to hear had she written the same on Slack.
That feels believable to me and makes me feel loving, which is exactly what I want to feel.
This is a thought I can practice every time I put myself out there, no matter how someone responds.
This is what she’d most want to hear.
Because at the end of the day, her words tell me more about her and how she thinks about herself then they do about me.