Sorry for not cleaning

The other day I was meeting with my coach and the first words out of my mouth were, “I’m SO sorry I haven’t coached myself on this, but I want to talk about…”

After the call, I got kind of curious about this disclaimer. 

Why did I feel the need to apologize? What was that all about? 

My brain quickly came up with an answer. Perfection. It’s about wanting the illusion of perfection. 

I wanted my coach to think that I was this perfect person who manages her mind always and is super on top of her brain. She isn’t a HOT MESS. Nope, she’s got her shit together.

The very place where I don’t need to have my shit together, I wanted to be perfect. 

It’s like cleaning before the cleaners come because you don’t want them to think of you as a slob. You hired cleaners to CLEAN. Just like you hire a coach to help you look at thoughts in your brain. 

This flavor of self-judgment holds us back. When we think we should be perfect, we spend much of our time avoiding the thoughts that don’t align with this put together image of ourselves. When we avoid thoughts, we don’t see the feelings, actions and results they create in our lives. That keeps us spinning in the same place. 

When I let my coach in and share my thoughts with her, whatever they may be, we can work together to create a slightly better feeling thought that I can practice thinking instead. She can provide a valuable perspective that I can’t see from my point of view. 

If I’m open to the idea that she’s not judging me, I can be open to the idea that I don’t have to judge me. I can accept that I’m exactly where I need to be to move forward with whatever thought I’m thinking today. 

I’ll have so much more energy if I don’t have to scrub the house and make it sparkle before she comes over. 

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