Yesterday I had a tiff with my husband.
It was the same one we always have. Every time I tell myself I’ll do better in the future. I’ll approach things in a better way so that peace and calm will prevail.
That seems like such a lovely way to phrase that, right?
I’ll do better.
But what that’s really saying is that this time wasn’t good enough.
And underneath that, I wasn’t good enough.
If I was better, our tiff wouldn’t have happened in the first place.
Of course it should have, because it did.
Wishing it away indulges my perfectionist fantasy of a perfect marriage.
I reject the experience altogether.
Instead I could ask: How was yesterday perfect for me?
For starters, I never apologize first and acknowledge where he could be right.
Yesterday I did.
While I may not understand 100% where he was coming from, I opened up to his experience instead of assuming I’m right and he’s wrong.
I also noticed that when I want a tiff to resolve, I exclude him from decision-making.
For example: I picked the lunch restaurant without asking his opinion to try to avoid an argument about where to eat. I didn’t give him a say.
The funny thing is, doing that fueled an argument. Good to know.
I needed the tiff to highlight where I might want to practice different communication skills.
If I had continued rejecting this experience, I would have missed all of that.
Now I get to explore how I could handle things differently in the future that has a positive impact on my relationship.
I am better right now.