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Yesterday I had a tiff with my husband. 

It was the same one we always have. Every time I tell myself I’ll do better in the future. I’ll approach things in a better way so that peace and calm will prevail. 

That seems like such a lovely way to phrase that, right? 

I’ll do better.

But what that’s really saying is that this time wasn’t good enough. 

And underneath that, I wasn’t good enough.

If I was better, our tiff wouldn’t have happened in the first place.

Of course it should have, because it did. 

Wishing it away indulges my perfectionist fantasy of a perfect marriage. 

I reject the experience altogether. 

Instead I could ask: How was yesterday perfect for me?

For starters, I never apologize first and acknowledge where he could be right. 

Yesterday I did. 

While I may not understand 100% where he was coming from, I opened up to his experience instead of assuming I’m right and he’s wrong. 

I also noticed that when I want a tiff to resolve, I exclude him from decision-making. 

For example: I picked the lunch restaurant without asking his opinion to try to avoid an argument about where to eat. I didn’t give him a say. 

The funny thing is, doing that fueled an argument. Good to know. 

I needed the tiff to highlight where I might want to practice different communication skills. 

If I had continued rejecting this experience, I would have missed all of that. 

Now I get to explore how I could handle things differently in the future that has a positive impact on my relationship. 

I am better right now. 

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