Risking the Relationship with Lynn Grogan | The Bachelor S24, E6

Unedited Transcript

Lynn Grogan 0:01
Welcome to The Bachelor Life Coach, the only podcast that brings on weekly guests to drop self help wisdom on the cast of The Bachelor. I’m your host, Lynn Grogan. Let’s go.

All right, welcome back to the Bachelor Life Coach podcast today where I’m going to be talking about season 24, episode six of the Bachelor. And this is kind of a special show today because if you have been watching the show, you know that there were not one but two episodes this week. And I had my previous guests Kristen McClellan on for Episode Five. And now here we are episode six. And you know, I decided going into this process that at some point, I was going to need to do a solo show and where I picked up this idea is when doing research for the podcast I listened to Sarah Mikutel from Podcasting Step by Step which is an amazing podcast on getting started with podcasting. And she said, Hey, if you have hosts or guests on on a regular basis, I want to challenge you at some point to do a solo show because it’s really easy to hide behind your guests and highlight their brilliance and highlight everything about them and hide behind your questions and hide behind just having somebody with you all the time.

And so ah, like I feel kind of nervous even saying this, but like yeah, today I just decided like, yeah, I’m gonna do this Episode Six solo. And I think this goes a little bit deeper for me than just doing a solo podcast episode is one of the reasons I wanted to do this podcast in the first place is because I am employed as a coach for another coach. And it is super easy in that capacity to hide behind somebody else’s work and to show up and teach everything that they teach, but let them do that scary part of putting themselves out there putting their name out there on a regular basis. I could see where that was going for me. And I said, Hey, you know what? I think for me, being a little bit more visible and putting myself out there to be vulnerable is important to me, what could I do to help me with that? And, you know, at some point, I just had this idea to couple of The Bachelor up with life coaching. And, you know, having this situation where I had to reach out to strangers that I don’t know to interview and putting together a podcast, you know, working together with my husband on this podcast, sharing stories, all that good stuff.

And so a big part of this for me is to not hide behind somebody else. And to do this thing on my own. So know that this is super scary for me. I’m probably more nervous to do this episode than I have for the other ones. And I think it’s a good thing. I think it’s good to dare ourselves to do things on a regular basis because that’s what helps build our self confidence. And so that’s what we’re doing today.

Let’s go ahead and jump right into the show recap. We have the cast traveling from Costa Rica to Santiago, Chile, where initially we catch up with them and all the ladies are sitting around a table having drinks, which is fun to see them out in the wild, right. Like usually they’re just cooped up in a house. And Peter comes up and he says, Hey, Hannah Ann do you want to go on a date with me today? And of course, she says, yes. On this date where they have this disgusting moment where they’re smashing food in each other’s faces. And when I thought it was cake, I was like, maybe this was okay. But when Hannah Ann says it’s a hot dog, I was just so grossed out. I was like, Okay, guys, like this has gone next level for you.

They have this lovely old date walking around the town. And then later that evening, we have a scene that I’ll coach on later, in this episode, where Peter accuses her of well not really accuses her but just points out that she’s giving him perfect answers all the time. And how he wants to see behind that a little bit. He ultimately gives her a rose.

And we move on to a group date, which is super fun. Probably one of the more fun group dates I’ve ever seen group of them get together and get on set with a telenovela. And my favorite part of this is Kelley, so they have almost all of the women on the stage looking like their typical sexy self. And here we have Kelley cast as the role of Pedro or Peter’s grandmother and she’s in this movie with a wig on and she’s just like living it up. I think most of them would have been appalled. They would have been so cranky about this, but Kelley just like embraces this and she finds a way to make out with Peter even though she’s supposed to be as grandma she has the best line she says incest is best. And then she also calls herself a gilf with his which is like a grandmother I’d like to fantasy suite with. I related to Kelley here because I too, would be the one that would be most likely to dress up in the ridiculous costume. Do my all on that that’s just like my personality, to probably not be the sexy nerve nervous but to be the doubting grandmother. So I related to Kelley on this and made me love her even more.

And we have the after party where Peter decides that Victoria P is not someone who’s going to be his wife. He sends her home and Madison someone he could see as his wife gets the group date rose from there we have a one on one date with Victoria where they’re hanging out with horses, which made me want to go like pet horses and other adorable animals, specifically mini animals. And they have a you know, their one on one date and their after party where Peter gets kind of tough with Victoria F. He’s like, Hey, how are you feeling how things are going I’m super serious about this. And Victoria F expresses her doubts and then retreats. She freaks out and Peter then freaks out And they have this whole moment where he’s just not really quite sure what to make of all this. She’s not quite sure if she should stay. But ultimately they come together. He she answers enough of his questions correctly, I guess and he gives her the rose.

From there. We thought we were going to be going into a rose ceremony. But really what happens is we have a date card that shows up that says Tammy, Mykenna Enough is enough. And Peter wants to bring together Tammy and Mykenna, and discuss the drama they’ve been going through on a two on one date, which always spells instant death for me. I’m like, none of these people are what Peter wants. Obviously, both of them are going home at at some point, Tammy goes home here. But then we have a rose ceremony later, where then petersons Mykenna home. Like she had high hopes after that too, and when she was going to stay, but he ultimately decides that no, she’s going to go in a surprise move. Sydney goes home. I wasn’t expecting that. But Peter Ultimately deciding he’s not saying a lot of people has his wife. So he sent her home. And we are left with six. So we have Madison, Victoria, F, Hannah and Kelsey, Natasha, and Kelley. So we’re getting down to the final six.

I think we started out last week with 12. Now we have six, I mean, hometowns, fantasy suites, meeting the families all right around the corner, which is pretty crazy to me like how quickly this is moving, I think pretty crazy to Peter as well. So we’re all in it with you, Peter. Alright, so that is the recap. And now it’s time to go into those five coachable moments. So again, I’m doing this solo today. So if you hear me talking to myself, it’s just because I like to talk to myself and I don’t have another human here.

Let’s coach and let’s go Scene one. So let’s go back to that scene with Hannah Ann and Peter. They go on a one on one date and in the evening portion, Hannah. She has some like, okay, some pretty crazy lines here like I get the impression that Hannah Ann has been practicing in the mirror for some time. She knows at some point she might go on this one on one date with Peter. And really like if I think about Hannah Ann I think that she has gone into this season and decided what kind of character she wants to play. So she said okay, we have Peter How is he gonna evaluate me? How are the producer is going to evaluate me? How is America gonna evaluate me? And based on that self assessment, she has decided that how she’s going to show up and so she has all these like really Instagram where the headlines in this episode, but the one that made me cringe the most but you know, it was pretty fun is Hannah Ann says to Peter on their date. So many people stay in the shallow waters of life. And you’ll only catch minnows and the shallow waters. And for me, I’m like, let’s go deep. Let’s not stay superficial.

So Peter plays along for a couple minutes, like, who knows how long exactly, but in editing is a couple minutes. But then a few minutes later, he leaves. And instead of saying all of the things to her, he says to her, or she says to his producer, whoever in his in his one on one, like little interview on the side, that he’s frustrated. He says more than anything, I want to know what she’s feeling. And she’s not showing me that I’m questioning if we have a deep enough connection. It’s a shame because there’s a ton of potential with her. But this need to be perfect. This need to have perfect answers. I don’t want that. So here we have him assessing the situation, seeing this perfection. And he’s also been questioning whether Hannah Ann at 23 who says she’s never been in love before he’s like, could it be possible That she could be ready for me. And so he’s really looking for evidence here like, like he’s feeling attracted to her. But he’s like, do I even have enough to go on here to be with her here we have this moment where Peter has walked away, which is typical Peter fashion. And, you know, we don’t see exactly what’s going on with Hannah Ann but, you know, five minutes later she trots out to where he is.

And you know, she’s crying, who knows what’s going on for her. But she says to him, like, I’ve been so good about smiling through this, and I’ve gotten to the point where I can’t smile through it anymore. It’s just so hard. And this is what Peter claims he wants to hear. He says, This is what I want. I don’t always want the smiles. And I don’t want you to feel like you have to give the perfect answer all the time. So here we see then Peter giving her the rose. This is apparently what he wanted to hear. But I think it’s important to go back and look at like, why was she showing up like this in the first place. So like I said, Said she is evaluating herself going into this. And she’s creating this character and her responses and her actions based upon what she thinks Peter and ko want to see from her. And she wants to show up in this certain way. And so she ends up showing up pretty superficial. I don’t really know anything about Hannah. And besides what I could find in her Instagram bio at this point, I know where she lives, she lives in Tennessee, I know that she is a model. And I know that she likes to take pictures of herself. And I don’t get much more than that here.

And even after Peter gives her the rose, and they say they have this moment, I’m still not seeing this. I think we all do this to some extent. We all have this version of ourselves that we put out there on a situation like this show where there are cameras on you and people are going to be breaking down every word that you say on camera, I can see why there would this be this tendency to show up in a particular way, in this way that Hannah has hard of the evolution here is being willing to be yourself and risking the relationship risking people not liking you, because otherwise they’re liking this version of you that is fake that doesn’t actually exist. And so here we are craftily characterizing ourselves in this way of thinking like, Okay, if I really, really want Peter to like me if I really want him to be, you know, to give me this rose, that I have to show up in this certain way, and playing that role is draining. Like when you show up as a version of yourself, that’s not you, that’s when you feel the most tired. So like if you’re in a social situation, and you leave and you’re just like, humans make me feel terrible. Taking a step back and being like, human human interaction can’t make you feel terrible. It’s what you’re thinking about it. It’s how you’re showing up. And if you aren’t showing up as your authentic self as who you are, if you’re putting on this act, then yeah, it’s gonna be a little bit draining. You’re gonna go Home and feel drained because of like how you’re showing up and how you’re being in those situations. And so we can often think, Oh, it’s other people that are causing me to feel this way. It’s other people and what they expect of me, I have to show up in that role that they expect of me. That’s what feels draining. But the flip side of that is also pretty scary for people. If I show up in a way that is me that I feel like is me, then I risk even more rejection, if they decide that they don’t like me, you know, unless you know how to manage your mind and realize that that’s okay. You know, it’s okay. If people don’t like you, you’ll think that there’s something wrong with you. Right? So in those moments, you want to check in with yourself if you are leaving those social situations completely trained. use that as a cue to see like, how are you showing up for yourself? How are you not? And if there are particular times when you’re like, Oh, I kind of would have wanted to say X, Y and Z or kinda would have wanted to stay quiet. But I thought that that wasn’t what people expected with me this time to check in, like, Why were you doing or not doing those things? And do you like that? Because you know, it’s totally fine if you want to go to the event and you’re just like, hey, when I go to the event, I like to put on the funny, happy go lucky person. And I don’t really want to talk about my personal life very much, or what’s you know, what’s not going well, in my personal life? I just wanna bring up these other things. That’s totally fine. But just like your reasons for doing it, if at the end of the day you check in and you say, Yeah, I kind of wanted to manipulate how they feel about me. That’s a problem. That’s a problem when you want to manipulate how other people see about you. Because then they’re never getting to know the real you. And in time, you kind of forget who’s the real you too.

And I think that that’s probably what’s bringing up a lot of the tears in this scene for Hannah and is here Peter is rejecting or threatening to reject this carefully crafted version of herself that she’s put together and then She’s just like, what do I do now? If she was super comfortable with herself, she’ll just be like, all right, well, here you go, dude. I’m a 23 year old. And here’s what I think and feel. Here’s how I go about my day. Here’s how I interact with people. Here are some of my flaws. Like all of those things are important to let somebody else see let somebody else have a chance to not like you and don’t make it anything personal. Just be like, okay, that says more about Peter than it does about me. So I think that that’s what this whole scene was about is her being called out on having this Instagram ready version of herself, and then not really knowing what to do about it. And she has the things that she wants, she wants to get a rose, she wants to stay on the show. She wants Peter to like her, and then being willing to break through that. I don’t know that we actually saw her breakthrough that I think Peter responds to tears by just keeping somebody in. He makes tears mean that they’re opening up to him. But I think this moment really highlighted this and Like maybe for Hannah and watching back is like, what kind of person are you showing up as? And do you like that? and being willing to let people not like you, and, and so that you can have your own back and just be like, you know,

I’m awesome plaus and all everything about me is amazing. And if you don’t like me, that’s fine. That’s totally fine. I’m not for you. But I’m for these other people. And so that’s great. Like, I can have my relationships based on me being the real me instead of this fake version of me.

All right, so let’s move on to the next scene. Which brings us to this telenovela where we have this group date and like I said before, is hilarious. It’s definitely worth watching. In the evening portion, we finally have an after party, where Peter is taking time to talk to these women, like mostly he is navigating drama. And this is one of the first dates where I felt like Peter was actually like, hey, let’s you know use this time to get to know people. And so then we have this scene where Peter pulls Victoria P to the side, and ultimately says to her, you know, I think my biggest concern with you is that maybe you’re more secure and confident in this relationship than I am. And I have to be honest with you, I don’t see you as my wife. And so Peter here is finally instead of just ditching people that he probably doesn’t think about it all. He’s dropping somebody, he’s cutting somebody from the show, who he does kind of have a relationship with, he has built up some things is that you know, our relationship with anyone. It’s just our thoughts about them. And so that means, like, if you’re going to have an ongoing relationship with somebody that are going to take up mental space, it doesn’t matter if this is you know, your spouse, your mate, your girlfriend, your boyfriend, your friends, your family, all of those people that we have in our lives and the relationship it self is our thoughts about them. So by Peter making this stand and saying, hey, Victoria, I don’t know that I see you as my wife. I’m kicking you off this show. He is basically saying I want A clear space in my mind for all of these other relationships that I have. And in order to do that, I have to say no to you, so I can say yes to them.

And this is something we really haven’t seen from Peter yet. And he, he feels pretty terrible about it. He’s trying to look like he’s consoling her. But really, he’s trying to make himself feel better by telling her like, there’s somebody else out there for you. Like, can I walk you out? and Victoria says to him, you know, I hope you’re making the right decision, because this is the last conversation we’re going to have. So she’s made it very clear, like, hey, Peter, I hear you are ending things with me. But we’re not doing that a laya thing where you bring me back because you’re uncertain like this is it? So if this is your decision, this is the decision. And up until now, I think Peter was really worried that he would have regrets about sending people home. There’s a fear of missing out on relationships he thought he could have had and here he’s just drawing that line in the sand. And he’s saying this is over. And I think this is something that That’s important for all of us, in order for you to start a new relationship, especially a romantic one, that previous relationship needs to be over. And what I mean by over is not just like, okay, we’ve broken up, but mentally over because I think so many of us and myself included have done this, where you know, we break up, but in our brains, there’s still the thought about like, well, maybe if I try this, or maybe they’ll text me or maybe we could try again, like there’s still that resonance of the relationship because you’re still having thoughts about them that are in that romantic capacity.

So the door is still wide open. I think this is why so many of us do end up going back to those previous relationships because it was truly over. And all those thoughts were thoughts of just like, Okay, well, that’s in the past, this is over. I don’t see a future in this. And then you can date from this clean space where you’re like, Okay, I’m fully open and ready for that next person. You can have that next love interest in Your mind, but until that is complete, it’s hard to move forward in those ways. And so we see that stark contrast here between the LA a situation where Peter wasn’t sure that relationship was over. And he was feeling some regret. And he did end up bringing her back. Victoria P is saying here like,

Yeah, no, that’s not me. That’s not what I want here. So this is insane. This is complete Peter. And so I think some takeaways here are, you know, how do you get to the point where you can see a relationship as complete and it doesn’t mean that you never think about that person again. But you don’t have like that window of opportunity open. Like, if they just asked me back like we see Victoria p going, ya know, the door is closed, this relationship is going to be complete for me and Peter saying, Okay, yeah, this is complete for me to like when you say goodbye to somebody, like fully commit to that decision, and that’s any decision but in this context, yeah, no, you’re saying goodbye to some relationship, you fully commit to that decision. And then process the emotions that come up around this. So there’s some going to be some sadness, there’s going to be some loss, there’s going to be some of those emotions that we typically try to avoid, which will be really, really important for you to carry out and see them through. And then when you’ve let them fully process, then that’s when you would focus on what you do want to create. And so Peter wants to create relationships with these other women and focus on those.

So he has said goodbye to her. And I think some other great questions that you can ask yourself here is like, what I choose this relationship again, you know, with Victoria p, I think Peter could probably say like, yeah, I wouldn’t choose Open this door again. But you can say that with your own relationships. Even if you’re in like a marriage relationship of 20 years, you can go back to and say, yeah, would I choose this again? Why or why not? Do I want to keep staying here? Do I like doing this for all the right reasons, it’s important to check in on that, you know, not just keep going by default, just because you’ve been together with someone for so long. And then you know, asking yourself like, does it serve me to keep going with this? So you could just Do you want to choose the relationship again? But when you’re fast forwarding in the future does that relationship still make sense for you?

So again, this can be romantic relationships but this could also be friendships or a work relationship or anything there is you know what I choose this again today, why or why not? And then being willing to feel whatever you’d feel if you do decide that you want to end the relationship and completed think it’s important to look at that this is what’s going to have to happen for Peter moving forward with the rest of his relationships on the show like you’ll have to say goodbye and so he can create more space for this person that ultimately he wants to make his wife

So let’s move on to coachable moment number three, the drama continue is this time with Victoria F. We’ve ended things with Victoria P. But we still have Victoria fuller and she and Peter go on their second one on one date. And I think what’s interesting going into this is that Victoria just assumed that this one on one date means that Peter is second guessing things. That maybe he has some doubts about her we find out pretty quickly from Peter, is that that’s not the case. He’s actually having super strong feelings for her and he wants to see like, Is this it? And I’m guessing that the wife card has been thrown in his brain like maybe this is my person and but what he needs to see from her here is that she’s on the same page and that’s why he’s called the second date with her.

And this is a moment that comes across as really tough for Victoria. We’ve seen throughout this show, she has a hard time with her own insecurity. She has a hard time with like her self confidence. And that plays out heavily in this scene. And right away, Peter, she and Peter are sitting down and Victoria says I really like you but I think it’s hard for me because I go back and forth so much. I’m trying not to get up in my head about the other girls part of this for Victoria is the process Hey, he’s dating all of these other women. But I think the other part of this is her like do I want to be married, do I want to fully commit to somebody, and she doesn’t really know. And I think for her, you know, what pure wants for her is to open up to him in those moments here, the thing that she really would open up to him about is the thing that most fears him. And she knows that if she expresses doubt, well, then Peter might walk away, because the thing he’s most scared about is that somebody won’t be fully committed, and he’ll get to the end, and that she will walk away. You know, we see these scenes where she’s telling Peter that she doesn’t know why she’s putting her walls up. And I think to me, what she’s really scared of there is maybe she could talk to him about the doubt, but she’s scared to talk to him about it, because she’s afraid to risk the relationship. We have this back and forth, back and forth. And, you know, we get to the point where Victoria also says, like, I wish I knew where my own issues were, so you wouldn’t have to deal with them. It’s not fair to you. And that’s pretty telling there that Victoria kind of thinks that like, hey, she has to go through all of these things on her own, and she can’t really put them on another person. So I think those walls that she keeps talking about putting up are lots of things, you know, afraid to risk the relationship, but also thinking that like, it’s her responsibility to deal with her own issues and not put them on something else. And so that’s keeping her from, you know, being vulnerable with him.

And if we look at this definition of vulnerability, you know, that’s the quality estate or being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally. And so our primitive brains are designed to avoid this very thing is she’s like, Danger, danger, like, this is terrible, like, I’m gonna have to feel bad Peter might walk away. So in order for her to move forward, she would have to be super brave with him. And she would have to be willing to say the things that might make him walk away.

I actually had a recent example of this. I coach with another coach. She and I go back and forth every week. You know, after our session last week. She coached me in two days later She sent me a text message where she pointed out that she had noticed a pattern for me and the way that I, you know, was or was not processing emotions, and I got the text message. And I was like, instantly pissed off. Like, immediately my brain was just like, how dare you coach me when I didn’t ask to be coached by text message. And I didn’t want the text message. I didn’t respond to her. I was like, angry for several days. I didn’t think she had done that. And then, you know, like, that was my response to the text message. And then my brain went to this place where it was just like, well, maybe I should get another coach. This is too aggressive for me over a text message, which, you know, if I take a step back, I know she totally sent it with love and was like, I found out this thing. Let’s talk about it. Right. So I sat with this a few days.

I knew that it was more about me than her and you know, we can see this with Victoria F. This is more about her than Peter. What I did in that moment is I use that as a cue to check in. I was like, Okay, I’m not really pissed at Elizabeth. This isn’t about her. It isn’t about a text message that she sent. Like, what’s going on with me? Like, what is this all about? Like I did that check in that check in that Victoria really isn’t doing. And I realized that this was all about me, this was all about me. The thing that she had pointed out to me is something that scares me. And, you know, I immediately tried to push her and the text message away, because it was scary to me like my primitive brain was just going like, this is not okay, we need to push this away so that we can feel better. And so I actually brought this up with my coach, I just said, Hey, I was super pissed at you for like three days. I want to like explore this and see what this is all about. I went in there willing to risk the relationship because hey, I was just saying something that like calling her out on it. She totally could have been just like, this relationship isn’t working for me either. But she knew that that was all about me. And because I was willing to bring this to Her, we were able to walk through it and explore why I had that instant reaction to a text message. And a lot of it for me was like, trying to like control my relationship with another person. And I feel super comfortable when I go through things in a coaching session. But if someone is talking about things outside of the coaching system, my gosh I’m actually getting like emotional talking about this is hard for me. And it shows up not just in a coaching session, but in my marriage and my friendships, you know, because I was willing to talk about that in my coaching session, like willing to bring up something that potentially could risk a relationship with my coach. I can see that this goes deeper. This is something comes up in other areas of my life. And without the tools of coaching is really hard for me to see that like To move forward in being vulnerable and being scared that I wouldn’t been able to do

otherwise, or maybe not like, maybe I would. But I think that coaching for me was that tool. And I think that that’s the tool that’s missing for Victoria F. Because she really thinks that if she brings up something with Peter, and even with herself, as she expresses what’s really on her mind, he’s going to leave her and he might, but you have to be willing to risk that relationship in order to actually have that truly deep relationship, right? Because he could just easily have stayed even if she says, Hey, I’m feeling a lot of doubt about this. This is super scary for me. I’ve never gone this far with another human again. So that’s why I think it’s important to check in when you’re feeling those negative emotions, or even positive ones like why am I feeling this way? What’s happening me think this way, you know, my brains go to is that is this other person. I I’m thinking that it’s Peter that’s causing me to feel this way. I think it’s my husband or my other person in my life, but it’s not it’s my own thoughts about this, like, it’s my mind and where my mindset is right now that’s creating this for me.

And when you can use that as a cue to check in with yourself, you can go so much further like, I feel like by bringing it up with my coach and in an arena that’s super safe, like, let’s be honest, like that was a safe environment, I was pretty sure she was not going to be done with me as her client, and vice versa, having a space to do that. Now that I’ve tested the waters with my coach, I can also take this into other areas of my life where I don’t necessarily always feel as safe. And I think that that’s the part that’s missing for Victoria f if she had a space for herself, to be open and be vulnerable, test out the waters and just seeing like being willing to like risk the relationship in order to to get to a different place with someone else. I think that that would help her get deeper and would actually help her have a real relationship. But I think that that’s the part that makes her feel better. uncomfortable right now. And that’s where I think she’s at. And she keeps saying that she doesn’t know what’s going on for her. And what she doesn’t know is that part of being able to be willing to share with somebody else and not thinking that you have to have everything solved before you can share that with another person.

Let’s move on to coachable moment number four, we just keep going into these really intense emotions, right. So in this next one, we have Tammy and Mykenna on this two on one day and throughout this episode, we haven’t sprinkled through that Tammy has a lot of thoughts and feelings about Mykenna and she doesn’t think Mykenna is there for the right reasons. And she thinks that she has is responsible for letting Mykenna know this for letting Peter know this Honestly, this is like fueled by anger and blame and resentment from Tammy and she thinks that like the way to feel better, is the car mechanic out for this when we have emotions like anger and they’re super strong in our body, it feels like they’re powerful and that they’re true and that we have to do something about It we can see it with that previous example I just gave you with my coach. I was feeling like strong pissedoffedness or, you know, it was anger at some point.

And I thought it meant initially like, Oh my gosh, I have to do something about this I have to fire my coach or something crazy like that it seems useful because the strong emotion we can see that happening for Tammy, she’s acted out her anger with Kelsey with Sydney and now with Mykenna, when we express anger like that anger only begets more anger. We see McKenna responding with her own anger. Again, this is going to be a cue to check in with yourself. If you’re feeling that strong anger. Like that’s what Tammy would have had to do just like Victoria F, just like anyone else on this show, noticing that you’re choosing to feel this emotion. It seems like it’s coming from another person or some thing, but really this anger is coming from herself. It’s coming from her having thoughts about people being there for the wrong reasons. And my guess is that there’s something about little deeper about that, too. There’s probably some frustration or some fear or some doubt about her relationships with Peter, you know, you want to like look at that and take that as that cue to check in, take responsible for why you’re feeling what you’re feeling, you know, way to phrase that for yourself as I’m feeling anger because of a thought. And you may not know what that thought is right now.

But even just reminding your brain like I’m feeling this way, because of what I’m thinking about this situation, has you taking a little bit of a step back, it relieves the pressure and the power of the anger and reminds you that the source of this anger isn’t coming from outside you. And because it’s not coming from outside you. There’s nothing to fix or to change. You just need to be with yourself and just see where that’s coming from. And again, right away. You may not know what that thought is like, what is the thought creating anger or blame or sadness, but just knowing that it’s a thought puts you back into yourself? Has you checked In with yourself, your brain, your body. And then from there, you can decide what you want to do about it. And more often than not giving yourself that pause, stalls the reaction or eliminates the need for reaction at all. Because you see you’re creating it, you can see that you can be the one to create something else. You don’t need anything to change outside of you. Tammy doesn’t need McKenna to leave to feel better. She doesn’t need Peter to say anything to feel better. She can just be like, Oh, I am mad, because of what I’m thinking about all of this situation. And it seems necessary for me to react. But really, this is time for me to explore what’s going on in my own brain. And so if she were to take that step back, she could look further and be like, Okay, what else is this really all about? You know, and that’s something that you saw with my example to like, I got that text message. I felt mad. And then I asked myself, like, Hey, what is this really all about?

And we don’t really know what this is about for Tammy, but we know that it’s something else besides McKenna. Being Mykenna because we can is neutral to her. She’s not good or bad until Tammy has a thought about her. And her thoughts are what are creating her feeling of anger? So asking yourself, what else could this be about can start opening the door, then you can start exploring and doing you know, your own self coaching, like writing on a piece of paper where all my thoughts about what’s happening here, like what do I think this is all about? What else could this be about, and it would give Tammy the sense of this chance to get to know herself better, rather than, you know, going on this, this vigilante justice for Peters heart, and, you know, which totally distracts her from any sort of relationship with Peter. You know, ultimately he sends her home, he sees her as a source of drama, not as a potential wife. I think it’s important to do that it’s important to do that it helps you be more vulnerable with yourself and potentially more vulnerable with the people around you.

Yeah. So on that note, let’s head this coachable moment. Number five, you know, continuing with the Tammy and Mykenna thing. So Mykenna is ultimately sent home Peter doesn’t send her home after the 211 day, but he does send her home at the rose ceremony. You know McKenna is upset about this. Understandably, she really, really wanted this relationship with Peter.

We see this throughout the whole season. She goes up as she goes down. She thinks that if Peter, you know, shows something to her, that means the relationships going well, she should keep wanting what she wants, and when she doesn’t see it, and what we see in this last episode is when she’s finally not asked on a one on one day, and Victoria f gets a second one, she makes that mean that he doesn’t see anything in her and that it may be time to leave, she packs up her bag, she wants to go, but Kelsey convinces her to stay, or maybe mechanic convinces herself to stay give it one more day. She has a great date with Peter and we see that her thoughts changed. She said, this is the sign I needed. I’m glad I followed my heart and didn’t say goodbye. I feel like Peter finally sees me and so she bases what she wants based on what she sees outside of herself, but then in this final scene, She has sent home. She has this in the moment where she’s talking to the producer. And we see her feeling a little bit sad. But then she’s jumping to these thought of that, you know, she’s realized through this process that she is strong and she is beautiful and she is powerful.

And she deserves love more than anything else. And she realizes, like, even though she wanted to fall in love with Peter, she feels more in love with who she is more than anything else. You know. I kind of cringed at the scene, like, you know, I’m all about female empowerment, stepping into your power, all of that, but I really found myself cringing at this part. And I think why I was cringing is it felt pretty disingenuous to me here is somebody that feels super, super sad. That just wants to make herself feel better. And this is what happens, you know, for me, for all my clients and other people that learn thought Where is that? When something happens and we have you know, we feel pretty badly. The thing we want to do So quickly is just like, let’s move on to feeling better immediately, or let’s move on to someone difference, I can feel better. And we want to move on to these new thoughts in this new mindset too fast. Because we think that that’s what’s going to make us feel better. We want to skip over the part where we feel like crap and go to the part where you feel happy again, that seems reasonable, right?

Like I coach, especially with clients that are brand new, they’re like, Okay, cool. So you’re telling me I can change my thoughts. So let’s change them immediately. Let’s fix this immediately. I want to feel better, and they skip over the part where they feel sad, where they feel hurt, where it just doesn’t feel that great because that feels like something’s gone wrong. Like when we feel negative emotion, we’re like, we shouldn’t be feeling this. Let’s feel better. Let’s do something right. And that’s when we’re starting to cover things up with food with alcohol with another person. What we don’t realize is that the hurt is still there. It may not be super conscious, but it’s still there. Mykenna really, really wanted Peter. She wanted to be in a relationship. She wanted it badly. And then she didn’t get it.

If we skip that part where we process the emotions, our brain thinks that what has happened is that reason that we felt so terrible is because something outside of us made us feel that way and our brain and our bodies remember how terrible it is to want something really, really really badly and then not get it so my guess is after this Mykenna is going to think that the reason that she felt bad was that it was Peter not choosing her but really what made her feel bad as what she made it mean that he didn’t pick her and I’m my guess is that like, Okay, I’m not going to be seen. I’m not heard. I’m not all these things. We don’t really see this on the camera. But I’m just going to put two and two together that like she’s going to make this mean that she’s not good enough or she wasn’t enough for him or something like that. But she goes immediately to these new thoughts. I’m a strong powerful woman. No one can stop me and she makes Is that part where she processed the emotion.

So what happens for all of us is when we don’t process the emotion, we make it the wantings fault that we felt terrible. So we made it wanting to go for that guy or wanting to go for that job, or wanting to make a certain amount of money and not getting it, we make it the fault of wanting that we feel so terrible. So the next time that we go to want something in our lives, we back off a little bit. We’re like, Hey, remember that last time when I really, really wanted something, and I didn’t get it. That felt terrible. So let’s reduce the goal so that we can reduce the risk of feeling terrible, then be if you didn’t process those emotions before. That’s going to seem like it’s the solution. Like if we just don’t want anything, then we’ll never feel terrible again, like we forget that like the flip side of that is that we never get anything awesome in our lives. Like we never go after anything great. And I see this come up with my clients all the time people I work with, they get to this point where they’re just like, I just don’t know what I want anymore. And I think that this comes From blaming wanting for feeling bad in our lives, but again, is not the wantings fault that we feel terrible. It’s what we make it mean about ourselves when we don’t get what we want. And so if you make it mean that you’re not good enough, and this can come out in any way, shape, or form, maybe you don’t go after the job that you really, really want, because you’re like,

I don’t want to feel disappointed if I don’t get it. And so we limit ourselves in our desires, we live in ourselves and what we want, because we think that’s what’s going to keep us from feeling disappointed, but it’s never that it’s always what we’re thinking about it. What I see happening here, I see that mccanna just like a lot of us is jumping to trying to feel better, and skip the part where she feels terrible. But where you can open up and this is if you’re willing to process emotions like rejection, and like disappointment and sadness. You can see that you were the one that was creating those emotions all along, not the thing that didn’t happen that you wanted to happen. You’re the one creating that you’re the one that’s processing And so it means that if you’re the one that’s creating all those emotions, then you can be totally fine the next time you go for something, and then if you don’t get it, it’s okay. You’re like, if I can process these emotions, that it doesn’t matter what I go after, because I know I have my own back. And then you just like, let that be the fun part, like, Oh, I’m just going to go for this job, or I’m going to try to date this person, I’m going to try to do this other thing, knowing that you have your own back and that you can process any emotion after that. It helps you get to bigger and bigger heights in your life.

But if you skip the part where you process the emotions, and you don’t know where they’re coming from, and you think that they’re coming from what happened outside of you, you’re more likely to put the blame on having wanted too much. And then try to dial that back more and more and more and more, until you wake up at a point you’re like, I haven’t wanted anything for super long time. I think that happens for a lot of us. We forget that we ever wanted more in life. And it really comes from that self protection because we thought that was having a desire for something I made us feel terrible. If you have a goal right now check in how did you set the goal? Was it from a place of self protection? Like, did you set the goal too low?

Because you thought like, Okay, if I don’t set it too high, then I don’t have to feel as disappointed. And if you don’t have a goal right now, check in on that too. Because that could mean that you’re freaked out about what could happen. If you do set a goal, and you have feelings, all of those are worth checking in on. And if you do have a super big goal right now, I would check on that too. Why am I going after this thing that could scare the crap out of me, you’re obviously at a place in your life, where you know that you can have your own back. And I think for that for Mykenna, I think it comes with experience and self awareness. And there’s some level of her that is a little bit self aware. But I hope she doesn’t skip the part where she processed the emotions and realizes that like, hey, this doesn’t have anything to do with Peter. The reason I feel bummed out right now is because I let myself have this super big goal. I didn’t get it an hour.

So that’s our five moments for today. Thank you for joining me and being with me on this solo show. It was scary slash fun slash exciting to put together. We’ll be back next week with another guest. Super excited about that. So have a great week and I’ll see you in a few days.