Finding a Want Match with Lauren Ciesco | The Bachelor S24, E4

For a relationship to work, you need to have a want match. A want match is when everything that you want in a relationship is perfectly matched to all the things you are getting in a relationship. This term is described in length by Brooke Castillo on the Life Coach School Podcast, Episode 296.

What we see in this episode of The Bachelor is that Peter has no idea he wants. At times we catch of glimpse of him trying to figure out if he has a want match with some of these women, but more often than not, he’s bogged down in drama.

For this podcast episode of Reality Show Life Coach, I’m joined by Certified Life Coach, Lauren Ciesco. Lauren helps women break through their limiting beliefs and habits and live their dream lives.

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Unedited transcript

Lynn Grogan 0:01
Welcome to the Bachelor Life Coach podcast, the only podcast that brings on weekly guests to drop self help wisdom on the cast of The Bachelor. I’m your host, Lynn Grogan. Let’s go.

Alright, welcome back to the Bachelor Life Coach podcast. I’m your host certified Life Coach Lynn Grogan. And if you are just joining us for the first time this week, the idea for this podcast is that we take moments from the TV show The Bachelor, and offer life coaching advice based on what we see. So it’s been a blast. It’s maybe the best idea I’ve ever had. And to expand on that today, we have my guest Lauren, Ciesco, Lauren, why don’t you go ahead and introduce yourself?

Lauren Ciesco 0:43
Hey, Lynn, Hey, everybody listening I’m so excited to be on the show today. I am also a certified life coach. I met Lynn in our training. I help women who are meant for something more in this world. They know they are meant for more and that they are ready to break through their limiting beliefs and habits that are holding them back and I help them create their dream life.

Lynn Grogan 1:09
Awesome. And what was I just gonna say I love it you’re here and that your name is Lauren because Lauren is the most popular name ever on The Bachelor and so far I’ve had now two Laurens on the show, and so I’m just gonna keep it alive more Lauren’s like Yes,

Lauren Ciesco 1:26
yeah, it’s a great great name. It’s a great name.

Lynn Grogan 1:29
I also realize today that I think I’ve worn almost the same outfit every single podcast, but I change locations every time so if you go over to the YouTube channel, which you can find a link to from the show notes. for this. You can totally see that. Yeah, scenery changes. So anywho let’s do the recap. You ready? Are you ready for the recap, Lauren?

Lauren Ciesco 1:53
We are ready.

Lynn Grogan 1:55
Okay, so on this episode, so this is Episode Four of The Bachelor this week. Week, the girls and Peter had to Cleveland. Have you ever been to Cleveland? Lauren?

Lauren Ciesco 2:06
You know, I have not been to Cleveland. But I’m glad that you asked because one of my favorite scenes in this whole Bachelor episode is when Chris Harrison comes into the girls at the beginning and he’s like, Okay, ladies, we’re taking this on the road. We are going to go all over. Are you ready for the next stop? And then the ladies like you see them and They’re like, yes. And they’re like, he’s like Cleveland. And they’re like, what?

Lynn Grogan 2:31
They’re like, I didn’t sign up for this crap, Cleveland. But, you know, obviously they’re giving some talking points from the producers. Yeah, cuz they all suddenly love Cleveland. I have been to Cleveland. Actually. I like it. But I’m Midwestern said predisposed to like Midwestern things. Yeah. So they go to Cleveland. First thing that we witness is a one on one date with Victoria F and Peter. They fly in a plane to Cedar Point amusement park, which I will say I have also been to and can confirm is awesome. They go to a Chase Rice concert, which we will talk about for sure. Lots of drama there.

Lauren Ciesco 3:06
Oh, yeah.

Lynn Grogan 3:07
After we leave the amusement park. Next we have a group date where the girls play football to compete for a chance to win time with Peter, which I don’t know, I kind of found a little gross. Personally, I don’t know about you, Lauren. It’s just like, oh, here we are, like, I don’t know, competing for a chance with our love, I don’t know. Ends in a tie. And then so everybody goes to the group date. Originally, they were supposed to just do six of them at the group date, but they ended a tie. So all 13 of them are there. Alayah shows back up. And Peter ends up inviting her back on the show and giving her the group date rose even though she wasn’t actually on the group date. Oh, yes. After that, we have another one on one date with Kelsey where they explore the city. I don’t remember anything from this date at all. Because it wasn’t drama.

Lauren Ciesco 3:55
You exactly I was gonna say was like the most like just kind of like normal things. That happened in the episode.

Lynn Grogan 4:02
Yeah, I’m like, Peter, this is what Peter thought his experience on The Bachelor was going to be and the producers had very, very different ideas clearly.

Lauren Ciesco 4:09
Yes, absolutely.

Lynn Grogan 4:11
And then she gets a she gets a rose, she opens up about her parents divorce, and he gives her that rose and then we move on to the fourth cocktail ceremony, where it starts with Peter getting called out for being kind of crappy and not giving them any time. And then it ends in a cliffhanger.

Lauren Ciesco 4:30
Yes, leaving us hanging.

Lynn Grogan 4:34
I know I i like the cliffhangers. I know, I’m gonna watch next week anyway, but I’m just like, there’s no resolution there. So I’m like, now I’m just like, Okay, I’m ready. I mean, next week, there’s actually going to be two episodes, so maybe even another cliffhanger. Who knows? We will be there. Yes, we will see. So that’s the recap of the show. This week. I had a couple people like submit some coachable moment advice for us, so I took some of theirs. So thank you to Kelly Shipley from The Curated Mind and Janet Cagle had some stuff from the week before. So if you want to contribute stuff to next week’s show, go over to my Instagram and @LynnGrogan and look for the post that says, what should we coach on this week? So, on that note, Lauren, are you ready to coach?

Lauren Ciesco 5:21
I have been ready since I watched the episode on Monday and actually it was Tuesday. And I love it that I got to in the middle of the day on my calendar, put watch Bachelor and take notes and call it work.

Lynn Grogan 5:35

Yes, absolutely. Amazing. Welcome to coachable moments.

Coaching will begin in just a moment.

So we’re going to jump right into the coachable moments. I’ll go ahead and pick the first one. So I actually wanted to start on a positive note because you know You and I have been talking about this, the show is so full of drama. Like we completely forgot that this is actually a show about Peter finding his wife. And so for this first moment, let’s go to that one on one date with Peter and Victoria F. They are sitting in a diner, drinking beer, and they’re talking about how many kids that they want. They want either two or four. And Peter’s reason for this is because if you have an odd number of children, there’s always going to be a kid left out. If they go to amusement park, and it’s only two by two seating. There’s five across, they’re totally fine. But yeah, so they both agree they want two or four kids and they have like a moment here where they’re getting along and you kind of see that attraction, you kind of see that there’s something going on here. What did you think about this?

Lauren Ciesco 6:44
You know what I love, love, love that we are starting with this as our first point because this is the essence of the show, right is connecting in dating and finding your true love and myself being single and being out on the dating world and going through all of this, what I have learned is that what really creates connection and what really creates love is sharing your opinions and creating vulnerability and through that sharing and vulnerability creates connection and a deeper connection for people. And that’s exactly what happened in this scene is that you can see them sharing and being on the same page and having what we call in the life coach world want matches.

Lynn Grogan 7:32
Yeah. So a want match is basically when all the things that you want in the relationship are delivered in the relationship. So we can see with Peter and with Victoria F, they have this idea of what they would want in a family, and they agree on this. So if they did get married, then they would probably like there’s no surprises, like if somebody’s been like, I don’t want kids. Right? Um, which is interesting, because you know, and we’ll touch on this a little bit later in When she, when Victoria talks about her having dated Chase Rice, the musician who performed for them, she talks about not having a want match with him. He has this lifestyle on the road. She didn’t want that. And she said that’s ultimately why she broke up with him. So we see her being super clear in what she wants. Who knows if Peters super clear on what he wants, but I think it’s important is in that moment, they both found that connection.

Lauren Ciesco 8:26
Yeah, absolutely. I think that that was because it was part of their beginning of their date. I think that moment of that want match really took their relationship almost to the next level where they’re like, okay, we have some solid ground on here. And I think it just that’s a beautiful scene really showing that and their genuine connection.

Lynn Grogan 8:42
Yeah, there is definitely a genuine connection there. And I think where sometimes we can get kind of confused in relationships is when that’s not the focus, like for Peter, actually most of the season has been about him navigating drama. Yeah, instead of actually thinking about what he wants in a relationship. And finding out what these women want in a relationship is mostly like him freaking out because somebody is having an emotion and then thinking that he needs to fix things or get to the bottom of things. So we see this genuine moment, he’s actually dropped into figuring out what he wants, trying to see if that’s what Victoria wants. And it worked out for him. And I think where we can run into trouble and relationships is if we don’t think about what we want, and instead, we’re trying to have the person kind of confirm our, what am I trying to say here? Like, if we’re looking for our worthiness from that other person, if we’re just like, Don’t even think about we want them we’re just like, Oh, I just need them to tell me that they love me so that I can feel better about myself without even checking into like this even what I want.

Lauren Ciesco 9:43
Yeah, absolutely. And that gets you in so many different problems because then you end up in a relationship where you’re not being yourself and I don’t know if you’ve experienced this with other friends, but I remember when I was specially in my 20s and early 30s. I had some friends that would just jump from like one man to another man. And as they would do that their interest in their style and who they would would change, right? where like, there’s women that just like kind of mold to like where are and I see men happen to this isn’t just women but where people kind of like mold to the person that they’re, that they’re with, right. And I think that ultimately that’s not being connected to who you are right and like when you can really be honest about who you are and what makes you happy and you find somebody that has the same want matches. There’s just ends up being this more fulfillment on both ends of the relationship because you’re instead of trying to complete the other person to validate the other person or get validation, you’re showing up as your authentic self. And that’s like the most beautiful thing that you can bring to the table when it comes to love.

Lynn Grogan 10:47
Yeah, yeah. I mean, it’s funny, you’re talking about your friends having done this, I’m sure I’ve done this, like, molded my matches or my likes and dislikes and life to my partner. I mean, I’m really thinking about it. Some of my biggest heartbreaks came from not having that want match with somebody, like I’m thinking about my boyfriend right before my husband, and I really liked him. But we started out the relationship with him going, I’m not looking for like a long term thing. I’m not looking to be committed. And I remember that being so confusing to me, cuz we got along really, really well. But I never took that step back to be like, Hey, he’s telling me that he doesn’t want the same things as me. And I just took myself down this road of heartbreak because I thought, oh, he’ll change. He’ll just eventually want the same thing as me. Like, I don’t know if you done that either. But, like, just just the lies we tell ourselves. It’s like almost every relationship I had before Josh just never aligned.

Lauren Ciesco 11:46
Yes, I think that’s such a key point that it’s making sure that you’re being honest and transparent, and like one of the things right now and I’m 38 and I’m navigating the dating life and one of the things that is helping me make really great decisions is that I’m really clear that I do not want kids. So when I’m dating, this conversation is something that’s kind of happening in the forefront of it because that’s just going to be a deal breaker, right? Like if it’s if it’s going to be somebody who wants kids versus me it’s like up, this is not going to be as a big want match that we’re going to miss here. And so you just have to be really unapologetic. And, and that’s what I’ve learned to be is just, this is what I want. And it’s so much easier to be in relationships when you know what you want and that you’re on the same page. Yeah, and you’re not trying to change it. And I think in the really like, my biggest lesson, like when I think back at every man I’ve dated, the biggest lesson I’ve ever learned is that when a man tells you who he is, and when a man shows you who you he is, you believe it?

Lynn Grogan 12:48
Yeah, yeah, I mean, because I think about like getting together with Josh, we just wanted all the same things that made it really easy. And then like In comparison, when you’re trying to be in a relationship with somebody who like has that told you who they are. And you lie to yourself and tell them it’s not really true. Like, it’s just so much tension. It’s just such a hard relationship. And like, obviously, there’s going to be difficulties in any relationship. But I feel like you just make it so much easier on yourself, at least when you start on that footing, where you have some things in common and you want like the major things in life that you want.

Lauren Ciesco 13:21
Yes, absolutely. I think that’s why I want matches so important. And I love that it was beautifully demonstrated in the scene with the two of them. Totally.

Lynn Grogan 13:29
Yeah, yeah. And so I think that’s probably what’s been the biggest bummer for a lot of the women on the show. It’s like they’re just like, I just want to have some time to tell Peter, what I want to see if we match up to each other. Yeah. Right. Without assuming things. And the only way that they know that right now is essentially hearsay from other people’s one on one dates. Yeah. So which is you know, we see them progressively get bummed out about that on this episode. I guess like the biggest takeaway here would be in any relationship is knowing what you want, and then checking in With the other person, like not just assuming things, but should be like, hey, are we on the same page here and consistently checking in? Because our wants can change? Of course. Yeah. And then, you know, managing your mind around that. Is it time to walk away being willing to walk away from something if it’s not actually what you want, which can be super hard, an uncomfortable thing to do.

Lauren Ciesco 14:21
Yes. Which is why so many people stay in relationships that are no longer serving them. That’s a whole other that’s a whole other coaching thing because it just emotions that they have to figure out.

Lynn Grogan 14:31
And this is why Peter has such a hard time letting these ex girlfriends not be on the show. Exactly. Let’s move on to number two. So I’ll I’ll go ahead and take this one again.

Lauren Ciesco 14:42
Perfect. Yes.

Lynn Grogan 14:43
So we have the one on one date with Victoria of and Peter surprises her he’s so so excited to take her to this private country concert. You know, he she loves country with Chase Rice. And what he doesn’t know is that Chase is Victoria F’s ex boyfriend, and so I don’t know about you, but like as they were walking up to the stadium, you’re just like, I like had a visceral reaction to this whole thing. Like the whole experience is like you’re just like watching her face like When is she gonna find out? When is she gonna find out when she and then you see her just being like, probably she heard the music and recognize Yeah, yeah.

Lauren Ciesco 15:21
Oh, absolutely.

Lynn Grogan 15:23
Poor Peter is like looking like a fool. Because she’s freaked out and faking having a good time on this stage. While she’s thinking about her ex boyfriend onstage, her current boyfriend in front of her and Peter’s having, of course, the best time and we just see this scene unfold with Victoria, who is finally like coming out of her shell and the show isn’t like super insecure. And but now she’s like freaking out because she’s worried that if she tells Peter about her relationship with Chase Rice, that Peters just going to walk away and be done with her. I mean, what she’s kind of forgotten is that Peter loves drama. but that’s besides the point. I mean, the premise here. Oh, I know this. But the premise here is that like, she’s worried that if she’s vulnerable with him, which is what you had talked about in that first point how important that relationship is that he’s going to bail, she thinks that it’s the thing that’s important here is that he has only positive emotions about her. Like what did you think about this scene?

Lauren Ciesco 16:22
Man, as a coach, it was so hard to watch the scene because I’m just the type of person that like I speak with on my mind and every moment so if that was me, I would have like told him right away and the way that I would have done that is like, Hey, no big deal, but just FYI, this is my ex but let’s still have fun right? And that would be like the least amount of drama that you could be because I think you just kind of set the tone but that was not what happened in this in this episode. And the reason why that did not happen in this this episode is because Victoria thinks that she by him telling Peter this information that she’s going to hurt him. So she is in this place where she doesn’t want to hurt him and she’s afraid to hurt him. But the truth is, is that we Victoria me, you nobody has the ability to hurt other people’s feelings. And that is I think the big takeaway from this scene is that what creates hurt for somebody else is their interpretation of what you’re saying to them. So you actually do not have the power to hurt somebody else. In this scene with Victoria. She was coming from the place of I don’t want to hurt him because I think that if I tell you this information, you’re going to be sad and you’re going to be whatever, whatever her interpretation is. So the reality was, is that he wasn’t upset by it right? And so the whole time this whole night, she did not have fun because she was so worried and she was like, worried sick to this point, right because she didn’t want our hurt him. So here she is, in her mind in her head, worrying about possibly hurting her. And that was actually not the truth. Because when Peter, she did tell the information, his interpretation was like, Oh, thank you for being honest.

Lynn Grogan 18:14
Yeah. And he just thought it was weird. He was like, Oh, that’s weird. Yeah, his interpretation was, What a crazy coincidence. Yeah, crazy. And then he’s like, are you over him? She’s like, yeah, I’m over him again, the want match thing? She’s like, yeah, we just didn’t want the same things. Like it could have been as simple as that. But because she likes spent so much time worrying, which I love the quote, that worry is the misuse of imagination, because she used her imagination which she could have been imagining this beautiful date with Peter, where they talk about things other than drama, like maybe they open up more about what they want, and you know why they are who they are. But instead because she was so worried about it, she made this huge deal out of this. Yeah, like thinking was gonna like ruin her relationship. I mean, it her brain is like all of our brains catastrophizing like we project forward to the future, we’re like something terrible is gonna happen. So how can I like, how can I manhandle this and manipulate it so it doesn’t happen. And then the funny thing is, is that she thought that he was going to walk away from her. And she’s the one that ended up walking away from him. Yeah, runs to the corner and he has to run after her. And at one point, I think he even asked her like, Hey, are you gonna, like run away from me again? So, like, what kind of message does that send to somebody? If you tell them something personal, and then they run away? Like if I were Peter, I’d be like, she really over him?

Lauren Ciesco 19:37
Yeah. And my question if I were coaching Victoria, which I would love to be able to know, because she’s so amazing. I just want to help her. Clean up her mind a little bit so she can enjoy and, and so thing that I would ask her was, where like, What was she truly afraid of? Right? Like, in that moment, if I had gotten her, like, let’s just say like, hypothetically, I was in the space and I saw her and I was like, Look Where’s this fear coming from? She most likely, and I’m fairly certain about this that if I asked enough questions, it would come from the stem of the fear of rejection. Yeah, right, agree with that. And so what we do as human beings is that our fears we project into the world when we’re not really clear about what we’re doing. And so she’s afraid of being rejected. So what does she do? She kind of basically rejects him first on some level, right? Or puts yourself in a corner or walks away.

Lynn Grogan 20:29
And so she had taken a moment to take a step back and be like, you know, she immediately thought she was at fault for some reason. Hmm, yeah, she’s taking this moment back. She’s like, Oh, this is so funny. Like, this is so funny. What’s happening here? Totally fine. I’ll just explain to you and we’ll go on with our date. No big deal. Yeah, she thought it was a big deal. And that affected her whole day. She made a big deal out of it. And then it blew up her date when it didn’t have to be that at all. And so, I mean, a good idea is always just to check in like, what kind of future Am I projecting Kind of what you were just talking about. Yeah. Like, if I could imagine anything? Is this the type of future I want to imagine? Do I really want to imagine Peter breaking up with me and walking out the door? Or do I want to imagine this moment where we could connect and have a vulnerable moment? Or not even at all like, Yeah, right. He’s looking at her how to respond. And so I truly wonder if in this moment, he was like, wait, maybe there’s something more going on here. When really this is all about rejection and not about affection for Chase Rice.

Lauren Ciesco 21:32
Absolutely. And that’s what I was wondering. She was like, Wait, is she making this a big deal? Because she has feelings about him, right? Because it would be a big deal. If you’re like, Oh, my gosh, I can’t handle this. But we later realized that it wasn’t. So it was just like this assumptions that she was making in her head about what may or may not happen. And I think that’s maybe one of the part of the takeaways of this is that our brain the way that our brains are designed is that it’s going to make assumptions, right. We’re always making assumptions about things and people and future and whatnot. We might as well if we’re going to make assumptions, we don’t know what’s true anyways, we might as well make the assumption that everything’s going to be okay. Instead of going to the worse. And that little shift will literally change your life because she didn’t know in that moment how she was going to react. But yet, she chose to put all our energy into the worst case scenario where she very clearly could have done the opposite, which would have been like, Oh, this is no big deal. This is funny, and then brought that energy and brought that to the table. And that actually was the reality of what happened.

Lynn Grogan 22:28
Yeah, totally. I mean, ultimately, she does get the rose there. But what a journey to get there. Let’s like continue on, there’s more drama to talk about. You want to talk about coachable moment three?

Lauren Ciesco 22:41
Yes. Let’s talk about coach number three. So the third scene that we picked was the one when Alayah comes back to quote unquote, clear her name, right, which we think is just codename for drama. And Peter ends up at one point because they’re kind of Like she’s talking to either the girls and then finally he pulls them together. So Victoria p, that Victoria P, and he pulls them together. In this scene, they end up like talking. First off going into the scene when they’re pulling them together. My thoughts are like, Yes, finally, he’s gonna get to the bottom of this, he’s gonna confront both of them, and they’re both gonna tell their truth. And he’s gonna have a really clear answer. And it’s like,

Lynn Grogan 23:22
Lauren, you’re just as naive as Peter. Peter always thinks he’s getting the bottom of things and you bought that hook, line, and sinker. I went into it thinking, Oh, this is going to be hilarious that he actually thinks he’s going to get a resolution here.

Lauren Ciesco 23:34
Anyway. Yes. So really, what the, for me the coachable moment in this in the scene is that they’re going back and forth. And then Peter goes, wait, I’m confused. Is there a relationship here?

Lynn Grogan 23:49
Right, because it’s like they’re playing with each other’s hair and holding each other’s hands.

Lauren Ciesco 23:54
they’re like, wiping their eyes like he’s like, it’s like I’m confused and the whole time, Victoria, P is like I don’t know, I don’t know what to say. I don’t know. I don’t I honestly, I don’t know what to say. And the reason why I wanted to pick this scene is because as a life coach, my rule for my clients, I know a lot of my other coach buddies also do this, which is I do not allow my clients say, I don’t know, because I don’t know is the biggest lie that we tell ourself. And when a couple of things that are happening either when you’re saying, I don’t know, it’s a avoidance, right, where you’re just like, I don’t know, I don’t want to deal with this. I don’t know. And the other thing that you’re potentially doing is just trying to protect himself, right, like the self preservation of like not really getting into it, so that the truth can be revealed, which was that the fact that she is lying the whole time, or that there is some kind of deceit in what’s really coming out and yeah, and what is Yeah,

Lynn Grogan 24:49
And I mean, I think Victoria P has a lot in common with Victoria F here in thinking that if she did tell the truth, she might get voted off the show Peter might break up with her. I think a lot of her I don’t know is for fueled by that fear. Yeah, if he knew the truth, like they were both like if he really knew the truth he would send me home. I mean like the foundation of insecurity you can really see it in that moment is you know she’s she sees this conversation Peters like, I just want to find the facts. This is fine. You can just get the facts and really like she’s taking this as a personal attack. Yeah, on her is that she’s somebody like she thinks of herself identifies herself as somebody that tells the truth, but here she’s caught in kind of a lie. Yeah. Because she didn’t tell Peter that the two of them that Alayah and Victoria P had gone to Vegas together. Yeah. And so she just keeps saying I don’t know probably in a way to kind of string Peter along and just if he doesn’t know the true truth, I get to stay. All she had to say here was you know what, you’re totally right. I got scared and I didn’t tell you that I kind of knew Alayah a little bit. More than I let on maybe a little bit threatened by Alayah I because she seemed like she had a solid relationship with you and I’m dating you that could have led into like, the one thing that Peter actually knows he wants is the truth. And so here there’s no want match because she’s like withholding information from him. The one thing he has stated over and over again, he wants she’s not giving it to him, which leaves him frustrated. And I think ultimately, we’re going to end up seeing Victoria P and Alayah go home.

Lauren Ciesco 24:49
Yeah, I think so too, because there’s just so much he’s not in the sad thing. And I think about this all the time, or it’s once again, the connection is when you’re having those quality conversations. And when the time that you’re getting with him is defending you are dealing with the drama, you’re not actually like building any more of that relationship. We’re all human right, like we don’t expect everyone to be perfect, but when somebody can admit that they’re wrong, it actually makes them a human and that’s more relatable and it’s more connection so she actually could have really put herself as one of the four runners in this game show if she had in that moment come clean been authentic been real, I think it actually would have taken their relationship to the next level.

Lynn Grogan 27:11
Yeah, I agree. I mean, cuz Peter’s made mistakes he’s owned up to it. I mean, he owns up the very last scene we’ll talk about today he’s owning up to it. Yeah. So I think if anybody could understand a mistake, and making a wrong decision on the show, it’s Peter. And she just shuts him off from actually understanding that part of her because it seems more important in the moment to hide something than it does to open up about something and so sad for her because she was somebody that Peter seemed to really like and I my guess is we’ll see that deteriorate over the next couple episodes.

Lauren Ciesco 27:46
Right. And the thing is, because when you’re when you’re living a lie that always comes out, and it really is the truth that sets everybody free, and only I think she just missed her opportunity.

Lynn Grogan 27:56
I think she did too. Well. Let’s go on to number four. So Alayah is back at dundun. Gosh, right. So she’s back. Peter lets her back on the show because he was always he’s just unresolved about her before. And Alayah has spent a lot of time in her brief foray at the homestead on the internet. And she has found out the hot gossip about Victoria F’s date with Peter and Chase Rice. And she’s just marches right in and just anybody that would listen, just be like, Oh my god, Chase Rice and Victoria, like she just dishes, all of it, which without taking a moment to pause. Essentially, she’s just gossiping. She’s sharing information about people who are not present. She’s sharing this with I think Hannah Ann and Kelsey. And well, like sometimes gossip can be a positive thing. And it can be a way to bond us as like social creatures like sharing information about other people. I think in this moment. Alayah is thinking knowledge is power. I know more than you guys. Let’s take the focus off of my drama. Look at this drama over here. Yes, yeah,

Lauren Ciesco 29:03
yes. She I mean, she quote unquote plays the game, right where there are people that are always avoiding any like stirring like, you know with any doing the waves, right? But I think that she truly thrives in that and so when people are getting pushback, that’s kind of her thing. She’s like, okay, let’s you know, she’s like, ready and she’s like engaged in it.

Lynn Grogan 29:27
Yeah. Once she also never she’s somebody who thinks she never does anything wrong. So when she is later confronted by Victoria F who Victoria has not shared this information with anyone. So it’s very much a surprise. It was something that Victoria wanted to keep private Alayah ruined that plan for her. And so but you know, we see Alayah I just going, It wasn’t me, I just figured everybody knew about it. Like, did you take a moment to like, I don’t know test the waters now. I think Alayah somebody who takes her role as a social influencer very seriously, quite literally, she’s like, Oh, I’m going to influence everybody. And she’s been doing that the whole show. Um, the other thing I think is interesting about gossip, it just seems like so urge driven, like when I think about having an urge for food, it’s almost similar to gossip. Like when I have information, I just have to share it. So I’m guessing that was part of it too, for a Alayah. She’s just like, this is hot. I have to tell somebody and here the people on the show who are gonna like be rapt attention, like they’re going to be focusing on her, just wanting to know more and more and more, what does she know? And so I think that’s a part of it for her is that she was like super willing to get that short term gratification of having and indulging on this urge to gossip, instead of thinking the long term effect, which is, oh, I don’t know, I’d have to guess here, but I think everybody in the house turns against her even more so. I think she had a few people that were kind of okay with her coming back. But now, nobody seems happy with her being back.

Lauren Ciesco 30:56
Yeah, no, I absolutely agree. And I think also to like with gossip in general. In a course let’s be honest, gossip is the way the reason The Bachelor existed for how many Episodes Season 24 running, like running on gossip right running on drama. And everybody who watches the show. We love it. We pull up a spoon we start eating it right.

Lynn Grogan 31:24
I know I was texting with my boss about it this morning. Right? Yes, yeah.

Lauren Ciesco 31:29
As humans our brains once again the same thing with the food but it’s the same thing with like, the social media notifications right? Those red big red buttons like the urge like oh, because what it really is, is it’s this need to feel important, right this need for importance, which is why she told the story is because she wanted to feel important. She wanted to get a certain Rouse and that’s why people share gossip is because they haven’t a need to be seen and to feel like they’re being heard and to feel important. A closeness and a community right. It was You’d brought up earlier, but we’re not really realizing the negative effects that gossip truly has in our lives. So I think it’s important that we’re like realizing what’s coming into our brains and what’s going out of our brains in the environment with with the people, right. And of course, on a show like this, where I believe that they don’t have cell phones or access to internet. And I don’t know about you if you know, but like, what do you do when you don’t have your phone or whatever, right? And so you end up like talking to these girls and making friends with these girls. And so you’re in this environment that could get very toxic. And so I think one of the most important thing for the contestants or anybody who actually wants the result of finding love in the show, is that they’re just keeping their mindset clean and that they’re just having love for everybody, right? Because Can you imagine being the person on the show that just loves everybody never talks bad?

Lynn Grogan 32:53
I’m trying to imagine this

Lauren Ciesco 32:54
truly just showing up me like yeah, I’m just gonna love everybody. I’m just gonna accept everybody, other people would have a really hard time. I’m not liking them or talking shit about them if somebody truly did that on the show.

Lynn Grogan 33:04
Yeah, I mean, I think that’s how previous Bachelorette Rachel Lindsay has been described is like everybody in the house loved her. And I think that there’s often that person in the house, everybody loves. And my guess is the reason that they’re so lovable is Yeah, because they’re like this warm positive energy. They’re not trying to spread shit everywhere spread the gossip. They’re not giving in to those urges to do the gossip, I do think is interesting. Because in that final scene, there is one moment where Victoria F mentions that whole scene with Alayah and Victoria F. And she’s like, that’s not my story to tell. So it was interesting to like, see that part right after like, Oh, I’m not going to gossip about this. I’ll let you know that their gossip exists. So in some way, she is like, opening the door to gossip and like making sure Peter knows about it, but it is interesting to see how its treated sometimes by the women. Yeah, totally. Absolutely. So speaking of that last scene, shall we move on to it you want to take?

Lauren Ciesco 33:58
Let’s get to it. Yeah. So In the last scene is going into the rose ceremony. Peter says that he knows what he’s going into as he’s entering the building. But really what happens is that women start telling their truth. Truth is a big thing of this episode where I know Peters like I just want to get to the truth or I just want my truth and he comes in and there are some women that are ready to tell their truth. And one of the comments is that like, I actually remember it so clearly is that like, I’ve never felt so under appreciated. I’ve never felt so like under noticed by anybody ever. Yeah,

Lynn Grogan 34:34
yeah, that was Diandra who said that Yeah,

Lauren Ciesco 34:36
yeah, exactly. And then you know, after that there you see him the last probably like 10 minutes of the of the show. He’s talking to Alayah. He’s talking to some of the girls and really like you kind of see the show kind of do this montage of like him and his thoughts and like he’s having thoughts like, I feel like I’m doing it wrong. I’m missing this all up. I’m torn right now. Now I can’t seem to get the time to explore how I feel. So it just kind of like going into the scene. And he’s he’s just has all kinds of opinions. The girls are kind of turning and he’s actually questioning at one point he says, I’m afraid they’re all going to walk out on me. Right.

Lynn Grogan 35:16
I would also like, if the stakes weren’t so high and the rewards of the show so big, I think they would have by now, but there’s like, you know, career potential. There’s the side benefits of being on the show. But I really do think that he’s onto something there because he has spent as far as we can tell, very little time getting to know any of the women besides the one who have created drama, and I think it was even Shiann, who said that she doesn’t want to sink so low like to like create the type of attention that it would take to get Peter’s focus on her, which basically is stirring the pot, because those are the only women he pays attention to. Because there’s some part of him that just thinks if there’s drama going on, I have to be a part of it. I have to fix it. This is my business. When really It’s none of his business. He just like it’s just a huge distraction from any like figuring out what he wants. Yeah, he doesn’t know any more Lauren, he has no idea.

Lauren Ciesco 36:09
And that’s why I was like, what I, when I listen to this message, I’m like, we got to coach him on what he wants, you got to end the show, like helping him get cleared. If he was here, I would like so many beautiful coaching I would do with him. But this is the most important thing. Like, while he’s in a show like this, we know the results that he wants to create is to find his true love. Right? Like, that’s like the end goal. What we have to figure out or what he needs to figure out is, first off, what does he really want, you can’t create what you want unless you really have a very crystal clear position. So the first thing would be, what is it Are you looking for in a girl, right? And then the second thing is then not being afraid that the women that aren’t who he’s looking for, to disappoint them, right, to not have to give their energy or to give permission because I think that’s one of the hardest things right now is There’s a little bit of people pleasing going on, right? We talked about where he’s trying to make everybody happy. He’s trying to please everybody. And he’s not following his heart. He’s doing what he thinks he should be doing. Yeah, what would make everybody happy, which is taking him away from what he truly wants and the true purpose of the show. And so, at this point, if I had had a time to sit down with him, we’d go back to the basics of what are you looking for? What are the results you want? And then helping him get clear on that? What do you need to think? What do you need to feel? Who do you need to be? How do you act that’s in alignment with the results that you want? And anything else would that be okay to hurt people? You can’t hurt people, but be okay with people being disappointed that you

Lynn Grogan 37:41
totally Yeah, and I think that’s the part is Peter gets so freaked out by his own emotions and other people having emotions. He’s just constant reaction mode. You know, he makes these decisions to like bring Alayah back to make her feel good, not thinking about. He can’t actually make everybody happy like him doing one thing here is going to mean people are going to be disappointed there. So, like the one thing that he could drop here would be trying to manage everybody else’s emotions and control them by his actions. Yeah, because that’s where he’s getting confused. He doesn’t really have like this want match with himself, which is, you know, like he has these conflicting desires is like on the one hand he wants to find a wife, but on the other hand, he wants to make everyone happy. Yeah. And those don’t line up at all. No.

Lauren Ciesco 38:26
And that’s the thing. It’s like with his want match being out of alignment. He’s, he’s not making decisions that are in alignment with what he really wants. And that’s the problem because he’s not doing the actions that are in truth of that. So then he’s either listening to other people, which is why Alayah went home in the first place where if he had just done what was true to him or listen to his own gut, that would have never happened, right. So he’s turning to other people. He’s asking for opinions, which is taking him off of what he really wants.

Lynn Grogan 40:39
Yeah, I mean, and just, you know, like, there’s a lot of elements of this was just like, you can just see Peter doesn’t trust himself anymore. He doesn’t trust probably doesn’t trust the show much anymore. Not sure which women to trust. And so he’s in this unsettled ground where he’s just like, if I could just have some time to think about how I feel, but otherwise, I’m just kind of, I don’t know in this washing machine. Just being thrown over and over and over again. So hopefully as he narrows it down, he’ll be able to clear his mind a little bit. But I think the producers have other things in mind for him. Peter, Peter, but yeah, I mean, he’s got to get clear with what he wants. He’s got to like, see if he can settle his mind. Look at all these like, competing desires that he has, and just being like, okay, I just want this one thing. And I mean, yeah, who knows for as are, as far as we know, Peter could have one woman in mind that he already wants. And so he’s just indulging in all this drama. But yeah, says that’s not true. He’s still looking for his wife. And he’s not going to find her based on what he’s doing.

Lauren Ciesco 41:39
Right. And I think the other thing too, that is, what’s now going on with Peter is that because he’s so confused, and he’s has all this other drama going on, he actually doesn’t really have the emotional bandwidth to like be present with like, the more important things because it’s like he please putting out fires everywhere else.

Lynn Grogan 41:58
Yeah, totally. So He’s gonna have to get clear. I mean, every week it pretty much ends on this point like for Peter makes for good TV.

Lauren Ciesco 42:10
Kike is this really poor Peter 30 women chasing after?

Lynn Grogan 42:16
Fair that’s fair for these women, let’s just say that they’re,

Lauren Ciesco 42:21
you know, they’re all there. Exactly. And I think this is just a beautiful opportunity for personal growth for everyone so maybe like, get I like help change people’s lives on a different level right isn’t going through this. And then also to like if you think about having to watch back your episodes and see like the whole world like kind of like thinking and stuff. It’s just, this is the best mirror for you. So if any contestants are listening to this, it’s like, use this as an opportunity to be like, do I like what I see? And if the answer is no, this is your place where you can like, decides to be a different way and it’s always an option to change. It’s always an option to like, decide to do something different if something’s not working or if you don’t like the direction you’re in.

Lynn Grogan 43:07
Totally. Well, I think that’s a good point to wrap this up, Miss Lauren. So if somebody wanted to find you online, where would they go?

Lauren Ciesco 43:16
I’m in a few different places. So my Instagram is going to be just @laurenciesco. My website is www dot Lawrence And then my Facebook page is LaurenCiescoCoaching

Lynn Grogan 43:33
Perfect. Alright, so I will have all those links in the show notes over at And as a reminder, if you want to give us some themes to coach on for next week, hit up my Instagram @LynnGrogan and I will have a post there that says what should we coach on? Alright, Laurne. Thanks for coming on the show today.

Speaker 1 43:53
Thank you so much for having me. This was so much fun. I’ve been a fan of The bachelor for years and when I heard you were doing this. I was like hell yeah. Listeners enjoyed our conversation today as well.

Lynn Grogan 44:07
Alright, thanks, Lauren. Yay.

Lauren Ciesco 44:09
Thanks, Lynn.

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Lynn Grogan host of the Reality Show Life Coach podcast

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Hi! I’m Lynn Grogan. It’s my passion as a life coach to help you escape the status quo and live a fulfilling life on your own terms!

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