Fantasy Suites with Stefanie Marianné | The Bachelorette S20, E7

Reality Show Life Coach Podcast – Episode 13

Covering: The Bachelorette, Season 20, Episode 7

Lynn Grogan (Host) & Stefanie Marianné (Special Guest)

Lynn Grogan:

All right. Welcome back to the Reality Show Life Coach podcast. Today we’re going to talk about season 20, episode seven of The Bachelorette. And with me today I have Stefanie Marianné. Stefanie, I’m so excited. Please introduce yourself!

Stefanie Marianné:

Oh, my gosh, Lynn, I am so excited to be here with you. When I heard that this was going to be about the Bachelorette, I was like, oh, my God, batch nation.

Lynn Grogan:

Yes.

Stefanie Marianné:

I finally get to talk about all things batch nation. Not ashamed of my batch nation obsession. I’m ready.

Lynn Grogan:

I love that because I think when I posted on the Facebook group we’re in together, the Coaching Posse group, looking for guests, no less than ten people tagged you and been like, you have to talk to Stefanie because not only are you into Bachelor Nation, you’re also dating coach. Do you want to say more about that?

Stefanie Marianné:

I am a dating coach for women specifically that have been in toxic relationships. I think that what I loved the most about this episode was that what drew me in and got me excited about talking to you about this episode was that Charity was really choosing herself, and she was setting such a great example of what that looks like. And that’s what I teach women to do in my own coaching practice. And it’s really exciting work. Very grateful to be able to do that, especially since I’m someone that used to dabble in toxic relationships myself. So, yeah, definitely excited about this work.

Lynn Grogan:

Yes, I know. And I was just like looking through your Instagram and everything and I was like, oh, this lines up perfectly because you just share some amazing stories on there and everything. And so I just can’t wait to just experience what’s going to come out of our mouths today.

Stefanie Marianné:

I’m so excited.

Lynn Grogan:

Well, let’s dive right in. I’ll do a quick recap and then we’ll get to the juicy parts, which is talking about everything that went down. Okay. So we have finally left the United States. We are in Fiji, and Charity says that she is still falling for all three men and all three men are falling for Charity. So nothing there has changed, even though they had probably a long ass flight. We start out with Xavier and he admits at the beginning that he is still feeling doubt but love and he’s hopeful that his date will help clarify things. It definitely clarifies things, but maybe not in the way that he thought it would. And at the end of that date, Charity ultimately sends him home. But we’re going to talk a lot about that today, so we’ll save that for a couple of minutes from now. Next day, she goes on a date with Joey. They hop on some ATVs. Joey’s the first person that Charity admits that she’s falling in love to his face, which is kind of a big deal on The Bachelor to do that, wouldn’t you say?

Stefanie Marianné:

Oh, absolutely. That is a big deal, I think, showcasing your love life, your love journey, being vulnerable, saying the right things, saying the wrong things, just being seen in general in a dating, dating aspect of any kind for the world to watch. Oh, my gosh, yes.

Lynn Grogan:

And I feel like there’s probably big talks with the producers. Can I say this? Can I not? Is it in my contract? But she’s feeling it and she’s just like bursting at the seams to tell Joey about this. He talks about some vulnerable things on the date, which I think we’re also going to talk about a little bit later here about being a people pleaser. Charity totally relates to this. Next day, she’s on a date with Dotun. They also express love for each other. Charity admits to him that she’s falling in love with him. So now we have two different men knowing that Charity’s falling in love with them. He also gets invited to go on to the fantasy suites overnight, as did Joey. And the next day for both of them, she seems very smitten and wants to move on with both of them. And then at the very end of the episode, the teaser that they’ve been teasing the person who’s coming back, they’ve been teasing this for a while now is Aaron B. He shows up in Fiji, he comes up to her while she’s on the chaise lounge and just says, hey, I just kind of felt like there was a little bit more here. You said it yourself. So I just wanted to show up and see if there’s anything there. I for sure thought that she was going to say, amazing you’re here, but sorry, goodbye, and she didn’t. It looks like she invites him to stay. Did you get that impression, too, or what did you think?

Stefanie Marianné:

Yes, but the Bachelor producers are so amazing and they’re so amazing at making us think one thing and then doing like this benevolent bait and switch where it’s like, oh, you thought it was this but it’s really this. I personally am getting this idea that she’s exploring the idea of keeping him around, but she’s really invested in the other guys and I’m really interested in seeing what decision she does ultimately make. This one’s a little bit of a cliffhanger for me.

Lynn Grogan:

That’s what I felt too. 100%. I was like, I’m happy to see him back. But of course this brought up a lot for her so I could see her just being like, no, this is a no for me. I already decided this once. Just because she is trying to focus on what’s next, which is actual proposals from whichever person she decides to move forward with. Oh, my gosh. So, on that note, are you ready to talk about coachable moments?

Stefanie Marianné:

Oh, my gosh, I am so excited. Listen, I was watching the episode and I was like, I had my notes up on my phone, I was like this, and really I really was just like having a ball with it. So I am so excited to talk about this with you.

Lynn Grogan:

And what I really love, because Stefanie and I have been sharing notes ahead of time, is when I was reading through your notes, I am consistently reminded because you dropped notes in here about this, that these are real people. Although beautiful people that look like movie stars, they are still real people that are doing real human, scary things, admitting real human scary things that they probably have only spoken to one person. Now it’s one to millions on camera.

Stefanie Marianné:

Oh, yeah.

Lynn Grogan:

So it’s easy to forget on a podcast like this or out there in the world that it’s easy to criticize people and say they’re doing the wrong thing or they should have done things differently. But we have to remember that this is scary stuff that they’re doing. And I think that your notes and I know we’re about to get into this, is, like, really reminded me of that, is that you were looking at it from the very human side of things. And so I just wanted to call that out first because I appreciated that you brought that back in because I feel like the last several weeks, it’s been really easy to be, like, dishing about what people did wrong. But we also have to remember that they’re humans. And I think that’s an important part that comes up in coaching all the time is that how we are human beings, just trying to figure it out in the world. And so I just want to thank you ahead of time for reminding me of that because I took that to heart. So on that note, do you want to talk about this first date that she went on with Xavier?

Stefanie Marianné:

Oh, yeah. And you know what? Thank you for bringing up the human aspect. It’s really easy to forget that dating is all about connecting your humanness to another person’s know? And when you see that on TV, it is easy to forget that. So I’m so glad that you appreciated that part. The thing with the date with Xavier, the one thing that really stood out to me was that while it wasn’t necessarily easy on the ears, hearing what he had to say, I think what I want to commend him for, firstly is how honest and vulnerable he was. Yes, the timing was a little bit suspicious. The things he did, probably they’re really easy to judge. Right. And let’s go back to humanness. We all make mistakes. I think we all have a dating history that sometimes isn’t the best. Like, my dating history is an absolute shit show. There’s things that I’ve done that I’m not proud of. And then there’s this thing that Xavier So vulnerably shares with Charity about some Effed up stuff that he did in his past. Right. And to come around and attempt to explain what he’s learned about it. While it may not have come rolled off of his tongue so elegantly and eloquently, I think that he was attempting to make sense of it. And I saw where Charity was triggered, and what I really admired about that moment was she took this time to get up and go soothe her nervous system, because clearly she was triggered from her dating past, from her dating history, based off what it was he was saying, what he was sharing. She didn’t like that. Right. But this coachable moment that I think is the most beautiful thing to even witness or observe on this date is that Xavier shares something vulnerable that he could possibly be judged for. And in that moment when Charity was triggered, she could have judged him and made a very quick decision. In that moment, that may not have been a self loving decision right. But she got up, she collected herself. She soothed her nervous system. She came back collected and came back with curiosity and gave him the opportunity to explain and allow himself to be understood, because her curiosity created space for understanding. And I think that there was a missed opportunity in regards to being able to take this conversation a little bit deeper, to really get to what it is he did learn. But I also think that Charity, in that moment, there was something that Xavier said about that I think tipped her off to become a little bit more curious. There was something Xavier said about her being a delicate flower and how as her being a delicate either he doesn’t want to break her as being the flower, and she had two different perceptions on that. One of the perceptions were, oh, he sees that I’m a delicate flower and he might break me, or he’s saying this in a way that’s supposed to protect me. I can’t figure out what he means. So I think on the date, she was on a mission to figure that out for herself.

Lynn Grogan:

Right.

Stefanie Marianné:

Because she’s able to assess, and that’s important in the dating world.

Lynn Grogan:

Yeah. I mean, I was impressed by how she approached this, too. While you were talking, I was like, oh, yeah, that makes sense. You do see her a lot walking away, and it does seem to be with the intention of calming her nervous system, which I think a lot of us do forget about, is that, hey, if you’re in a situation where you notice that you might not use the word activated, but you might notice that you’re stressed. You might notice that you’re spinning a little bit. It’s always okay to take a beat and go walk off, which is what she did. I think we forget that we have permission to do that, not only in dating, but like any real life situation. A lot of times on this show, it really seems like somebody’s going to maybe complain to the producer or to do it in the moment or to do something. But it really seemed like in that moment, she was leaving to be just like, hey, you know what? I might say something very reactively right now, so I’m going to take a beat and collect myself. She knew ahead of time. She knows herself well enough. And we’ve seen this in many episodes that anything related to infidelity is going to trigger her. And so I really do think that she was trying to slow things down a little bit to make sense of how much of this is from my past, my past self that I’m bringing into this relationship with Savior and how much is this man in front of me, and where do we want to go from here? And I just thought that was such a great moment, even for the audience to see, because how many other single people are watching this going, how do you date? And this is a moment where I was like, actually, we can point to this and say this is a good move in dating. A lot of the stuff that they show may be not a good move, but this one was a good move. That was such a good point to bring that up.

Stefanie Marianné:

Oh, 100%. I just love Charity. What I love about her is she is like, on this journey, and you can very clearly see where she wants to choose herself. She wants her love story to be amazing. She wants a healthy relationship. You can clearly see that and the level of discomfort that she’s willing to feel and the decision she’s willing to make. To me, it’s just you see her choosing herself over and over again, and that really does teach the audience on how to date. How to date is really making self-loving decisions and choosing yourself so that you can eventually get to that person that you’re going to fall head over heels with, in love with.

Lynn Grogan:

Yeah. And I think, too, is what I love to see about this is there’s so often on the show, a lot of this is like, projecting into the future, what is the life going to be like with this person? What is it going to be like? And they’re really looking at somebody’s potential versus the person in front of them. So it would have been easy enough for Charity to see what she wanted to see in this moment, which is she wanted to see here’s a man who has learned from his mistakes, who’s not going to do it again, who’s guaranteeing this. But I think there is a moment where she took a step back and being like, no, let’s look at the person in front of like, he recognizes that this is not a nice thing to do to another human being, but he’s still trying to figure it out. And that’s okay. It’s okay. We all get to figure things out, but it doesn’t mean that this is my person right now who’s ready for marriage, and that is okay. Doesn’t mean he’s a bad person, doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. But I really felt like she was, like, seeing the person in front of her versus what she really wanted to see or, okay, she could have also said, like, hey, let’s just go solve this in the fantasy suites overnight where we don’t have cameras on us. But I think she saw enough at this point to realize, like, hey, here’s a man who is figuring things out. And she even says it herself, like, this is not a Build a man Workshop. This is my life. And she’s like, I don’t want to be the one that helps you figure out how to not cheat on people. You got to figure that out yourself.

Stefanie Marianné:

Lynn can I tell you I had to pause and snap my fingers three times when she said, this isn’t a Build a man workshop. Listen, it really isn’t. That is not the purpose of dating. Dating exists to help you evolve. Yes, but it doesn’t exist to help you figure out who you are in the process. And I think that sometimes women especially feel like this need to fix others or to kind of carry do some of the heavy lifting in teaching men emotional skills. And, I mean, that goes both ways. Like, both parties struggle with that. But me being a woman, I’m just giving my perspective from my side. And so sometimes I felt that responsibility because of people pleasing or, oh, maybe if I stick around, I might be able to change this man into who I want him to be. And that always came back to bite me in the ass, because who I think someone is based off the fantasy that I have right. Versus who they actually are, those are two completely different things. And I think it’s very easy to take information. Like, for instance, information is what someone says to you or how they behave, how they show up for you. It’s easy to take that information and miss it if you’re focused on who the idea of someone is because you’re not actually taking the information they’re giving you and assessing it to see if that aligns with your future relationship goals. So, yeah, totally agree with you.

Lynn Grogan:

Yeah. I was hoping you could share a story, and I didn’t ask your permission if you would do this, but I saw it on Instagram, your Beyonce story And it just really struck me as someone who is choosing their self. It’s not like, maybe directly applicable to what happened with Charity and Xavier, but I do think it’s a cool example of somebody that chose themselves. Can you share that?

Stefanie Marianné:

Oh, my gosh. Yeah. So I met this guy at a networking event. He showed interest in dating me at the time, but I found out at the time he was going through a divorce. It felt messy. I wasn’t touching it, but I was good with us just being business associates. A year later, he asks a couple of my girlfriends at a networking event for my information. And my girlfriend texted me and goes, hey, can I give this guy your number? And I told her no. Somehow he found my number and ended up reaching out to me within that same week. And he was like, look, since I’ve met you, I have not been able to forget about you and I really want to take you on a date. I want you to notice me. I want you to spend time with me. I just bought tickets to a Beyonce concert. I’ve been in therapy the last week. And I’m also divorced. Will you go to this Beyonce concert with me in Chicago? And I said yes. I was like, yes, I’m going to go. This man has literally gone above and beyond to spend time with me. I’m going to say yes to this. I’m going to be open minded and I’m going to a Beyonce concert. That helped a lot, but I really wanted to spend time with him. I love grand gestures. Like, to me, that shows, hey, you’re really invested. You’re really interested. I like, that, right? So I go to Chicago. I’m chauffeured there. I’m staying in the same hotel that Beyonce staying at. I have never been in such a fancy hotel my whole entire life. I was in awe of everything. The fixtures, the light fixtures, the things. I was like, oh, my gosh, there’s peanut know, the nuts that are in my room, everything’s fascinating to me. And then I was like, secretly fantasizing about running into Beyonce in the elevator. I knew it wasn’t going to happen, but I was kind of pretending like it might, right? Roses hand are delivered to my hotel room, the best seats at the concert, a private dinner. Literally, I felt like I could smell Beyonce’s hair based off of where I was sitting. Okay, she smells like honey just to stay on theme with the Beyonce squad. So anyway, it just got to this point in the date where there were times he would bring up what he was doing for me and in a way where it was just kind of like there was going to be an expectation at some point in time for me to return something to him in some way. And I was starting to get the sense like, oh, I feel like I’m being love bombed. And it’s like when someone makes all these grand gestures, it’s like, yes. It’s so easy to take that and go like, oh, my God, this person really likes me. They want to be with me forever and all these things. This person’s just really it’s easy to take that and not slow your mind down to assess. So it came to the end of the night, he wanted to come to my room with me. And I said no because he was like, I want to cuddle. And I was like, I’m not interested in cuddling. I’m not in a place where physical intimacy is on the menu for tonight, but I really enjoyed my time with you. And he did not like that answer. He made that very clear and he brought up everything that he did for me as a means of trying to get what he wanted. And it was just this moment kind of like how Charity did. I needed to take a moment. I took a deep breath and I just went in into my body and I was like, how is my body feeling right now? I just needed to connect with myself. I needed to connect with my nervous system. Because situations like that where I know that I need to make a self loving decision like the one Charity made with Xavier, that can be very uncomfortable, especially being a woman that used to be in toxic relationships. I didn’t have boundaries. I didn’t know how to set boundaries. I didn’t know how to make self loving decisions. So I took a moment connected with my body. My body said no. So what came out of my mouth, because I am a boundary boss these days and I know how to speak up for what I want and I know how to choose myself like Charity does, right? I said no. And I didn’t give an F about how he felt about that. And that’s what Charity showed us on The Bachelor with Xavier. It’s like, you know what, I’m saying no to you, I’m saying yes to myself. It’s uncomfortable. But guess what? This decision, like she said, I need to be selfish. Being selfish sometimes is the best gift you can give yourself. Because at the end of the day, you’re guaranteeing that you get what you want in your own love story. So, yeah, thank you for asking about that. That was such an amazing experience. And I also learned a lot about myself at a Beyonce concert.

Stefanie Marianné:

Come on, Beyonce. Thank you. Boo, right?

Lynn Grogan:

I was to going say, Beyonce would love that. I love that story because I think a lot of people would hear that and just been like, he did a lot for you. He pulled out all the stops — what are you going to do?

Lynn Grogan:

And it’s like you are never under any obligation to say yes to something that doesn’t feel right and then having your own back in that way. And I think that’s essentially what we’re talking about here with Charity is that she was able to check in with herself and just say, you know what, this doesn’t feel right to me. And that is okay. And it doesn’t matter that there’s a million cameras on me and that I met his family and that he’s saying that he wants to see more. Whatever that meant in the episode does not matter. It’s okay to say no because what it does ultimately is it frees her up mentally and emotionally for these guys who are here for her, who are ready and maybe that makes sense then to move on to her date with Joey and Dotun like talking about those. The next one she goes on is with Joey. What did you think of that date?

Stefanie Marianné:

Oh, my gosh. Can I tell you I have a little soft spot for like every now and like when I’m watching the Bachelorette or the Bachelor, I get this really soft spot for someone very specific on the show. And I think Joey has that. He opened up that soft spot in my heart. I think that date, the level of vulnerability and humanness on that date in the way that they were able to relate to each other around people pleasing, that was mind blowing. Not only for me to hear a man talk about his own struggles on an emotional level and feeling the pressure to kind of like people, please, that was mind blowing to me. Because it’s like that’s not a conversation that is had very often around, I think men and their feelings sometimes because I think men are pressured by society to suppress that in the way that masculinity is defined. And for Charity to sit and hold space for him in the way that she did and show relatability, I could see how they were building an even stronger connection on their flaws and imperfections. And that to me, was such a powerful moment for everyone to see.

Lynn Grogan:

Yeah, well, I think this is one of the very first moments where we actually get to see on camera them connecting over something other than, wow, we have really good energy together. We really like each other. And I think this is something that Charity feels so deeply is people get this idea of you and then you feel like you have to show up in that particular way and then you stop knowing yourself, really, because you become this character that everybody wants you to be. And he’s admitting this to her. And you can tell that he’s like, I know that this could possibly be a deal breaker for her, but I am willing to say it because it’s important that she knows this about me, that I am not this perfect human being and that I do have my flaws. And I hope that she’ll still love me at the end of this if I admit this. That is one of the most difficult thing you can do in any relationship, is even though the other person probably understands if they are also a human on this planet, just saying it out loud. It’s hard not to just see it because you’re in the weeds of your own life and you just think like, okay, how can somebody love me if I’m like this?

Stefanie Marianné:

Oh my gosh. You know what Lynn, that is definitely a very vulnerable spot even for me in my dating know, allowing myself to be seen as a human. It’s surprisingly such a know being in that vulnerable place and showing someone that I want to connect to. Or just like Joey did, just like Charity, that just showing someone like, hey, I want to connect to you. And there’s this side of me that’s so not perfect and allowing that to be seen and even sharing that willingly, I think it’s such a vulnerability. But at the same time, what I love is I could see that both of them had the skill of being able to share that in such an open and vulnerable way. And they really showed this willingness to allow the other person to decide if they want to walk away. Because Joey and Charity both come off to me as pretty grounded individuals that are very self aware and that can take care of themselves emotionally, even if someone walks away if they’re not a right fit through sharing something. So.

Lynn Grogan:

And just as you were talking I was thinking about how she has two outstanding men left and Joey and Dotun for very different reasons. And Joey strikes me as the type of man that maybe she needs right now in her life. Like I need somebody that relates to me as I am right now as I’m figuring out the world. We seem to have that in common and it’s easy to be around you and it’s easy to be myself around you. And when I think about Dotun is I think she feels comfortable around him, but when I look at him, I was just like, he seems like the type of guy where you could have that lasting love. Or maybe she doesn’t feel quite as ease quite there necessarily like she is, but there’s something that almost seems like when I see his date after, like it seems like there’s almost some sort of spark missing for her that she has with Joey. And I was like, I wonder. It’s like, combine the two maybe, but it seems like Dotun would be one of those that you would grow into a long term love. And I could totally see if she picks Joey at the end. It would be amazing for the Charity of right now but I don’t know if he sees almost like the woman that she can become and the man that they can become. It’s still kind of up in the air. Whereas with I get the sense with Dotun he feels very grounded and okay with thinking ten years in the future whereas Joey seems like a very right now type of person.

Stefanie Marianné:

Lynn, you are brilliant. I think your insight is so on point because it’s so funny that you were saying that because while you were saying that I was like, wow, that’s exactly what I was thinking.

Stefanie Marianné:

Think it’s also just like a little side note. I think it’s so fascinating watching people’s body language and being able to just pick up what their energy is like together on a relationship standpoint, just watching them interact. And I have the exact same opinion. Like Joey is Mr. Right now. I just don’t know if both of them have the tools and skills to be able to support each other through each other’s funks. Whereas with Dotun, I’m seeing this level of grounded. He’s just very consistent and there’s a word I’m looking for that flipped my tongue, but he has like this, hey, I’m rock solid. I’ve got you and I can handle just about anything you bring my way. I’m going to be your rock and we’re going to take this to a completely different level. What I love to say, too, is that I try to avoid using fall in love but sometimes it still slips out of my tongue. But what I really love to say is grow in love. Joey is someone she can fall in love with, right. It’s a right now feeling. It can be fleeting because falling in love feels a little bit like out of your control, right. Whereas growing in love, I think it’s like, you know what love building skills are and love is more of a practice than a feeling to you and you can practice that every single day, no matter if you’re feeling it or not. And I think with Dotun, she can grow in love and I think that that is what’s essentially important for sustainability and longevity in relationships. So I love your take on that. We totally agree on that.

Lynn Grogan:

Yeah, I love that phrase, grow in love. But even with someone like Dotun, it’s going to take maybe even more bravery to say yes to him because I don’t think he’s holding her on this pillar of like, this is the woman you are. I think he is really holding space for the woman that she could become and wants to support her in that. And that can also be like that could also be scary to say yes to that versus Joey where it’s like, OOH, this hot summer, I it feels very tangible and real and good right now. And so I’ll be curious to see what direction she takes in that. But that’s the grow in love is definitely what I’ve seen from throughout. He just says things that are so lovely and genuine. Did you know that he didn’t know he was going to be on the show. His roommate’s friend was going to be on the show, bailed two weeks ahead of time. And the producers asked him, do you know of anybody else that would be on the show? And he’s like, oh, this guy Dotun. I don’t think Dotun had ever seen the show before.

Lynn Grogan:

He didn’t even know there was a proposal at the end of the show. He just knew that it was Charity and was like, yeah, she seems like an amazing woman, and I think that you see that reflected on the show because he seems so genuine. It’s just like, oh, he would say this anyway, and there just happens to be a camera pointed at him, and this is just how he is. You don’t get the impression that he’s been thinking about weeks for what kind of persona he wants to have on this show. He’s just like, this is how I date. Do you like it? This is how it goes.

Stefanie Marianné:

Oh, that is so good. Yes. He has this level of self confidence that, to me is just so sexy. I love how he held space for Charity where he was like, oh, my gosh. Whatever decision she makes, I respect that. And I do get this sense of how he’s not putting on a show, which is something that’s really easy to fall into.

Stefanie Marianné:

Showing up as a person, where you’re just more like, I want this person to like me that’s putting on a show, versus, am I going to like this person? How can I bring value into this person’s life so that they can see this value reflected back in me as a human being? Dotun does. I just I love the way he shows up. I’m in awe at just, like, his presence, and it is very authentic and genuine, and you can tell he’s really there for the right intentions. And the reason why I’m kind of, like, giggling at the end of that is because throughout bachelor and Bachelorette history, there’s always a scandal about the right intentions, and I’m putting right intentions in quoting air quotes, because that is always a scandal. And can I tell you, I do live for that scandal, but you will not see him in that scandal.

Lynn Grogan:

Oh, no. I mean, the only scandal he’s probably stirred is when he said about his mama, like, oh, she’s a little bit critical. She’s probably like, Dotun, why did you say she seemed like a lovely human?

Stefanie Marianné:

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Lynn Grogan:

He’s not here for followers or likes or the scandal he legit was just like, whoa, you’re telling me that there’s this beautiful woman I already feel attracted to, but the way that I get to date her is, I go on this TV show. Okay, I guess that’s what we do. I just thought that was really lovely. And there was one moment of their conversation where it seemed like Charity was kind of tense and impatient, and then at the end of the episode, you find out that there’s, like, salamanders everywhere, and she was kind of freaking out about it. So I’m like, okay, so she’s probably, like, waiting for the she keeps mentioning with dot, and, like, I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, but she’s also waiting for salamanders to drop on her head, and she wanted that moment to be over.

Stefanie Marianné:

I thought that was funny. I really did think that was funny. And I think too, it’s like waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m glad you brought that up. I think that it’s very easy to think about love in a way where it’s a risk. And when you think about love in a way where you think it’s risky as you’re going into it, you’re always going to be looking and waiting for the other shoe to drop. But I think that going back on theme with humanness. I think the human experience in life period is going to be positive and negative. And if you go into love expecting nothing but positive or even dating, oh, I only want to experience all of the positive things, you’re going to be disappointed. You’re going to experience what I call expectation hangovers. Right. You’re always going to be hungover because your expectations are not going to be met emotionally hungover. Right. If you go into it going you know what, there are going to be some things I like. There are going to be some things I don’t like. Even with the people I’m dating, going into it that way, you’re not going to be in this anxious state of looking for evidence that there’s something wrong because when you look for that evidence, that’s all you’re going to find. So with her, I think that maybe she’s not, like you said, not really used to men like that. She’s maybe more used to men like Joey. But I think that dawn is going to help her evolve and grow and that is so important when it comes to dating is looking for someone you can grow with.

Lynn Grogan:

Dotun is that guy 100% when you said people going in and looking at love like it’s a risk, I think a lot of people think that way. How do you guide your clients on this? How do you help them to see looking for love if not a risk?

Stefanie Marianné:

Oh, absolutely. Well, I think that the number one key to that is teaching the emotional skills that my client would need to be able to take care of herself in moments where she might be scared, for instance, of being rejected. Right. That I think that’s like the number one fear. I’m going to go out there, I’m going to put myself out there, I’m going to put my heart out there, I’m going to share with someone how I’m feeling. They might reject me. Right. That gives off as love is a risk. Dating is a risk. Right. But if you’re able to take care of yourself emotionally and look at this as information, that’s redirecting you having that mindset shift of oh, wait, I’m always redirected to meeting my person. And on top of that, I have the emotional skills to take care of myself. In events like this, when you can ease and soothe your own nervous system and your own emotional well being is in your hands and you’re in charge of that. That’s literally all you need to see love and dating as less of a risk and more of something that you can just put yourself in it and show the F up in a way where you’re taking charge and it’s not a risk. So, yeah, that’s like the simplest way that I can put that.

Lynn Grogan:

That’s beautiful. Yeah, because I don’t think some people think they could think about it any other way because it’s just so commonplace. It’s a risk, it’s a gamble, all that kind of language, when you can just see, like, hey, it’s not this is just something that I want. And I can support myself emotionally through the process and stay open, and I don’t have to look at it. I don’t have to be, like, on red alert. Hyper vigilant for red flags. That’s how Charity dates in the real world, where it’s just like open and whatever, and just for the purposes of this show, because it’s so short and she has to be so evaluative, I think that’s when we get stressed, we fall back on whatever our kind of go to’s are. And for hers, it’s like, well, if I’m going to evaluate, it’s got to be no infidelity. It’s got to be somebody who is open minded and emotionally intelligent and all these things, but we just keep seeing her go back to all those things, but I think she keeps pulling herself out of love is a risk versus, this is something that I want. And I really do believe that her person could still be here, whereas there’s many seasons where I don’t necessarily believe that. Mostly I’m just like, all right, well, we’re probably going to break up in six months after our final taping and the big reveal to the world. I really think that she could find something through this, like find a relationship through this that she could live in for a while. Personally, I hope it’s with Dotun. I don’t know. Do you have thoughts on this? I suspect you do.

Stefanie Marianné:

Listen, Lynn Dotun all day. And you know what’s so interesting is where I can kind of relate to Charity is even in my love life now, it’s like my go to my comfort zone used to be men that were emotionally unavailable, meaning they just didn’t have the emotional skills to grow in love with me, right. And they didn’t have love building skills. And so for me, that used to be my comfort zone. And once again, I thought that I was in charge of the Fix a man workshops like Charity said. I love that what she said, but I think that was just my comfort zone. And now seeing Joey as her comfort zone, but not in that way, where he’s emotionally unavailable, it’s just Mr right now. She’s used to going for Mr right now now shifting out of my comfort zone, out in this world of dating. It’s like my taste in men has changed drastically as I’ve done my own work. And now it’s like, yes, I want emotionally available men. Yes, I want men that are sure about me. Yes, I want men that prioritize me. And that’s something that Charity noticed about Dotun. It’s like, oh, he prioritizes me. She noticed that. And that is something that I noticed. And sometimes being around these men and seeing how evolved they are in their own love building skills, and sometimes I get intimidated when I notice someone, oh, they’re more skilled than I am. Oh, that’s kind of scary to me. That’s out of my comfort zone. I don’t know what to do with this. And I notice how I fall back into my love blocking energy where I’m going for what’s comfortable or I’m making myself small, or I’m people pleasing or I’m not holding fast to my boundaries. That is a normal part of the process. No one’s ever going to show up perfectly in the dating arena. Right. There’s going to be times where you’re going to shift back and take a few steps back and make mistakes or f up. Right. But there are also the most beautiful thing about doing your work, and it’s like shifting into what I call date me energy is like when you’re in date me energy, you can see when you’re in that place where you’re going back to your comfort zone and you can pull yourself out of that. Like the way you mentioned Charity has done so many different times. So, yes, I’m Team Dotun all day. He is out of her comfort zone, but I think that he is what she needs and I’m excited to see what decision she makes for herself.

Lynn Grogan:

Same. I am so excited. And even if it’s not Dotun, now she knows if it doesn’t work out in this season, now she knows that there are men out there that can be that person for her. Right. Because it’s like, obviously she’s been doing compare and contrast this whole season. And I wonder if that’s given her the confidence to say no to men like Xavier, because she’s like, no, but there’s men like Dotun out there. And when I look at the two together, Dotun is solid. He is grounded. Go for that. So I don’t know. I know we’re maybe like, what, two weeks from the finale from actually finding out, and so I’m just so eager to know. I know the teasers for next week are her talking to her mom, not knowing who to pick, and we’ll see what happens with that. I really hope it’s done, though, and I really hope that it just becomes that fairy tale. I don’t know. It’s not even a fairy tale. She can make this real life anyway. Was there anything else on your mind from this? This has been such amazing conversation.

Stefanie Marianné:

Oh my gosh, it’s such an amazing conversation. I would just say in closing, it’s like, I love how we were on Theme with humanness and choosing yourself. And I think the thing I want to say overall is that while the process on TV is meticulously produced and planned out and very fast, I think that regardless of what you see on TV, the real life dating world does require you to choose yourself. It does require you to show up as human, and it does require you to take your time in growing in love versus all the falling in love you see on The Bachelorette. I love that everyone’s falling in love, but sometimes I’m like, whoa, that’s a lot of falling in love. How do you keep up with all this? But out in the real world, it’s just like I just want everyone to understand that you’re going to have a human experience no matter what. And it’s like, allow yourself to be human and you’re just going to shine as bright as a star to the right person that wants to see you and get to know you and they’re going to really like the crap out of you. So I just want to encourage you to allow your humanness to just be because at the end of the day, you really are a human being and so am I and everyone watching the show. So thanks for bringing that up. Lynn?

Lynn Grogan:

Yes. I love all of this. I’ve learned a lot from you today, too, which is always a good thing to be able to bring back into world after this. If somebody was looking for you online, where would they go to find you?

Stefanie Marianné:

All the oh, I’m on Instagram. It’s @coachmestef with an F, not a PH. I can’t tell you how many times I was like, on the phone with customer service and they can’t find me because of the PH stitch. So that’s why I mentioned it. And yeah, the other thing is I have a website. It’s Stefaniemarianne.com, if you want to learn more about what I do and how I can help whomever in the dating world.

Stefanie Marianné:

I have a podcast. It’s called Dating Bootcamp. It is on Spotify, it is on Amazon and it is on Apple. And so that’s where you can find me if you just want to learn more about some of the work that I do. My take on dating is a little bit different than just dating advice that’s out there. So, yeah, check it out if you’re interested. Thank you, Lynn.

Lynn Grogan:

Yes, and I’ll have the links in the show notes so you can find easily there. So then you don’t have to remember if it’s a PH or an F. You’ll just have the link right here and you can go find Stefanie. So thank you again so much for coming on the show. This has been a delight to get to know you and to talk all things Bachelor with you.

Stefanie Marianné:

So happy. Thank you so much.