Meeting the Men with Lauren Rapaport | The Bachelorette S20, E1

Life Coach Lauren Rapaport

This week I invited Certified Life Coach Lauren Rapaport on the Reality Show Life Coach podcast to help me coach the contestants of The Bachelorette on their issues.

Lauren is a reality TV super fan, a recovering alcoholic, and a T1Der (Type 1 Diabetes) since 1979. If you’re suffering living with T1D, or feeling stuck in life, Lauren can help you out, and show you how to live an amazing life.

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Full Episode Transcript:

Transcript

Lynn Grogan 

All right, welcome to The Reality Show Life Coach podcast. Today we will be talking about season 20, episode one of The Bachelorette. And with me today, I have a very special guest, Lauren Rapaport. So, Lauren, why don’t you go ahead and introduce yourself?

Lauren Rapaport 

Hi, everyone. I’m Lauren. I’m a life coach and a lover of reality TV. So this is, like, my dream that I get to talk about my two favorite things. Thank you so much for having me. Yeah. So I’m a huge Bachelor fan. I’ve watched almost every season. I took a break over the last three seasons. I just kind of got fed up with the show. But I am back, so I’m so excited to have an excuse to get back into the franchise. I’ve had type one diabetes for 43 years, so I mainly help people who are struggling to cope emotionally with living with type one diabetes. I help them change how they think about their disease so they can free up space in their brains to focus on their life, so they can do whatever they want in their life. Like, I don’t know, go on a reality TV show. I also help people who don’t have type one who just feel stuck in their life, so I help them get unstuck and also live the life they want to do. So the tools are very applicable to all things in life, like dating and helping deal with mind drama. So it’s very apropos for being here on a podcast talking about mind drama.

Lynn Grogan 

Well, Lauren, okay. I didn’t tell you I was going to do this next part, but I’m going to do this next part. I just wanted to say thank you to you because we met in a very special way earlier this year. I had just left my coaching job where I was working for another coach for four or five years, and I had taken a break from that job and I was just starting my own business, and I was freaking out. And this one day, I happened to be in a Facebook group for coaches, and I saw Lauren’s, or not ad, but, like, post about looking for people to exchange coaching with. And I just on a whim, signed up and we had such a good exchange, and she just helped me so much in coaching. And I don’t know, it was just really cool, Lauren, because at the end.

Lynn Grogan

You were like, that was so great, let’s talk again. And I was feeling so shy, but I felt the same way. And we have been meeting every single week since then, and you have been such a good supporter, cheerleader and coach. There are so many weeks that you just called me out on all of my terrible thoughts about starting a business and how scared I was and when I was putting together this podcast and I was like, thinking about, okay, who do I want to start with? I just immediately thought of you because I think of you as one of my safe people and I feel so comfortable with you. That’s why you get to be my first guest, because you are my safe person. So thank you for being that for me.

Lauren Rapaport 

I’m, like, grinning ear to ear, and I remember you told me about this podcast and I was like, you have a podcast about life coaching and reality TV. Tell me everything. So I’m so honored to be here and thank you for telling that story because it’s been so fun meeting with you week to week. It’s like the highlight of my week.

Lynn Grogan 

Same.

Lynn Grogan [00:03:32]:

All right, so we’re going to do a show recap. So first episode was… it was all right. It’s just like the limo entrances. It’s kind of ho hum. So we started out, we learned a little bit more about our lead, Charity Lawson. She is 27 years old. She has her master’s degree in clinical mental health counseling from Auburn University, which I love. I’m hoping to see some of her skills there coming up in this. I don’t know if we’ve ever had anybody with like, a mental health background as our lead before, so that’s pretty rad.

Lauren Rapaport 

I haven’t seen it.

Lynn Grogan 

I haven’t either. They show her parents, they have been married for 48 years. I don’t know about you, but I was just like, how is this even possible? They look like they’re like, early 50s, so they would have had to get married when they were like, four.

Lauren Rapaport 

They’re so cute, though. It is such a cute family.

Lynn Grogan 

Yeah, I googled it. They were 16, and they are apparently 64. It’s amazing. I want whatever they have. So Charity is from Zack Shallcross’s season. The last season of The Bachelor. And before Zach, she had been in a six year relationship where she was cheated on. So she is looking for somebody who can be her forever person and that she can really count on and who will be head over heels for her. So I love her already.

Lynn Grogan 

So then we have the limos arriving and oh, my gosh. I don’t know. I’m used to people doing, like, these over the top weird things in the intro packages and we didn’t see much of that.

Lauren Rapaport 

I’m not a big fan of them.

Lynn Grogan 

You’re not?

Lauren Rapaport 

Honestly. I know. It creates drama. I know you’re supposed to like that. I like the more, like meaningful, thoughtful endearing openings.

Lynn Grogan

Well, there was one that I liked the most, and there was the other ones where I could have shrugged.

Lynn Grogan 

I’m going to run through these fast. We have Aaron B. He does his coin toss where he’s asking her if he believes if she believes in fate. Heads, they get engaged, tails he leaves. I’m pretty sure that was a double sided coin. Like one of those fake coins.

Lauren Rapaport 

Yeah, he got his way every single time with that one.

Lynn Grogan

Every time.

Lauren Rapaport

Even with a kiss. Which I thought was a little cringey.

Lynn Grogan 

Oh, boy. Okay, let’s see. We have Joey, who lives in Hawai. He brought the plumeria where left is you’re taken, right is you’re not taken. And he’s hoping by the end she’ll pick him and she’ll move the flower to the left. Kind of cute. The flower looked amazing on her.

Lauren Rapaport 

It kind of gorgeous.

Lynn Grogan 

She sold it.

Lauren Rapaport 

Yes.

Lynn Grogan 

We have Warwick. I actually kind of liked this one. He said his parents met on a flight and he gave her a one way ticket to, I’m assuming his hometown of Oxford, Ohio.

Lauren Rapaport

I didn’t catch that Ohio part, but I thought that was cute.

Lynn Grogan 

I know. I was like, it could have been anywhere. He took his own town. I guess that’s all right. I mean, I like small towns, so maybe I’d be into it. But Charity was a good sport. Let’s see. I won’t go through all of these. We have Caleb, our doctor who had a stethoscope. He put it like he had her listen and put it up to his heart. His heart is beating just for her. Yeah.

Lynn Grogan 

The next one, Khalid. He said, my name means eternal and your name means love. We can put those together. I actually thought this one was kind of like, yeah, okay, Khalid. This probably works for anyone’s name, but okay. So, Lauren, I have to admit, I looked up our names to see what they mean. Do you know what your name means?

Lauren Rapaport 

I don’t.

Lynn Grogan 

So Lauren means wisdom, which I was like, okay, this could go someplace. Lynn means like, lake or like, body of water. So I was like, well, if you put those together, you get wet wisdom. Which I think just gross. All right, maybe he’s on to something that really doesn’t work for every combo name.

Lauren Rapaport 

So funny. My favorite was the John. First of all, I loved John and the fortune cookie. I thought that was so cute.

Lynn Grogan 

I know. That was my favorite one, too. I was like, any person who brings me a cookie is already in my good graces. But to have such a cute message where he was like, what did the cookie say? It said something along the lines of, like, you’re going to meet the man of your dreams and his name is John.

Lauren Rapaport 

He made the effort to put the fortune in the cookie. I just thought that was so cute.

Lynn Grogan 

So cute.

Lauren Rapaport

Who else?

Lynn Grogan 

Did we have any other ones of note? I mean, Brayden, he’s a travel nurse and he brought in some shots. I wanted to make sure you’re updating your shots. Charity seemed charmed by this one.

Lauren Rapaport 

The shots? Yeah. I didn’t put together the travel nurse. I just was like, oh, you brought her alcohol. Like, I just thought that was interesting.

Lynn Grogan

We have Spencer. Oh, Spencer. The Internet has not been kind to him. He kind of stuttered through his thing on martial arts. I know for myself, I would be incredibly nervous, like, with all the cameras and being out of my element. So I watched this and I just kind of felt for him because he was really having a hard time getting his words out and expressing himself. This is where I thought Charity really shined because she was just really helping draw him along and really queuing him on how he could do his intro. She kept asking him questions and stuff.

Lynn Grogan 

So we have our last guy. I think Dotun was the last guy to come in. He’s the last limo, or so she thinks. But then Jesse Palmer comes out and says, you know, Charity, we have one last person for you to meet, someone from your past. She was visibly nervous at this point. So nervous. So surprised. She’s thinking it’s one of two people. She’s thinking it’s probably Zack, the previous bachelor, or her ex boyfriend of six years who had cheated on her, which that would have been incredibly cruel to bring on, but instead, it’s her brother Nehemiah, and she is so happy. Like, their relationship is wonderful.

Lauren Rapaport 

So cute.

Lynn Grogan 

Yeah, so cute. So she thinks he’s just there for a pep talk, but what he’s really there for is to morph into Undercover Brother, which I thought I was really going to hate this part, but his costume was so ridiculous.

Lauren Rapaport :

It could have done with a better costume, but it was like maybe it was so ridiculous that it was supposed to be funny.

Lynn Grogan 

Yes. I think that they wanted it to be so obvious, and it just wasn’t to the cast. They just didn’t even really seem to notice, except for, like, one guy. But I liked how kind of a little bit uncomfortable he was with it. I think he thought it was a good idea ahead of time, and then he was doing it, and he was just like, what am I doing?

Lauren Rapaport 

Yeah, totally.

Lynn Grogan 

I was charmed. All right, so Charity comes in the house. She gives her obligatory speech to all the men, and then we have our one on one interactions. First person she kisses is Xavier. Next one is John. I love his energy. To me, John would be a front runner, but who knows?

Lauren Rapaport 

I’m with you. I think he got the first. Well, I’m skipping ahead. Sorry. But he’s my favorite.

Lynn Grogan 

Yeah, he’s my favorite, too.

Lauren Rapaport 

I love that we’re in agreement.

Lynn Grogan 

So sweet. So she has these interactions, and then, of course, Jesse Palmer comes and drops off the first impression rose. And of course, there’s so much anxiety. I’m sure it didn’t happen like this on the show, but what was hilarious is that, of course they’re all talking about how nervous they are. And Chris, like, the resident jumping, I don’t know, world record holder for jumping, immediately starts flipping one of the Calebs, one of three Calebs starts also flipping and then wrestling him as if they’re trying to woo her with physical activity. And then we cut over to Aaron S, who is spraying ducks with her with fire extinguishers. Let’s see. We have Aaron B with his piano playing and poem, I think. And then we move along and we get to her one on one with Brayden, which is very clear that Charity likes him. We’re going to talk about him a little bit later. They kiss. And then I swear his energy was very much just like a little puppy let out of a kennel. Like, so excited. Just like running around the house saying, we kissed, we kissed, we kissed. Brother Nehemiah doesn’t like this. He thinks it’s cocky. But I don’t know. We’ll talk about this in a little bit. And then a little bit later, Nehemiah reveals himself as the undercover brother. And everybody is freaking out in the house. They’re not sure what they said in front of him, and Brayden in particular is very worried that he might have said something in front of him about Charity. I think they wanted this to be more than it was. I’m pretty sure they wanted somebody to discover that Nehemiah was there. But I don’t know, it’s a little worrisome to me that nobody copped to it, that they’re like, oh, maybe this guy is undercover. Maybe this guy is like a set up from the show. But nobody really seemed to know. Were you surprised by that?

Lauren Rapaport 

I wasn’t. Because how would they really know him? They probably saw a few scenes from her hometown, right?

Lynn Grogan 

Yeah.

Lauren Rapaport 

How would they really know? But one thing I think is funny is that she pretended to not know that he was undercover. And I did listen to Nick Vial, who was on previous season. He has a podcast and he was like, they say it’s the mansion, but it’s a house. He’s like, it’s like a small house. He’s like, there’s no way Charity didn’t know. Like, you wander around the house, it’s really small. Like, of course she saw her brother Bartending. She definitely knew.

Lynn Grogan 

So then Nehemiah and Charity talk and he tells her his concerns about Brayden, which she goes in one ear, out the other. She’s like, oh, so what you’re telling me is that he’s excited about it, right?

Lauren Rapaport 

Totally. Not to jump into coachable moments, but like, you hear what you want to hear.

Lynn Grogan 

Yes, 100%. Yeah. So she talks to Brayden. She’s hiding this rose underneath her shawl. And then she pulls it out and he is so excited. And she’s so excited. They go back to the group, and I was like, oh, gosh, be cool. Be cool here. Because the rest of the cast is just looking at them like, okay, they obviously just made out and he got the rose. It hurts a little, I’m sure. And then at the very end of the episode, we have the rose ceremony. We have the typical in the moment interviews where you see their insecurities. They’re hoping for a rose for validation. Sean talks about how this is the only time he’s been out of control in his entire life. He’s obviously not lived very long. She gives out all the roses. The last rose goes to Spencer and she sends home six of the guys, Nic in HR. Pilot Pete, Loan Officer Taylor.

Lauren Rapaport

Nic said my favorite line when he’s like, they’re doing backflips and I’m in HR.

Lynn Grogan 

That’s going to be his claim to fame. You know what? If I was going to get kicked off on night one, I would hope I had a one liner that people would repeat.

Lynn Grogan

They sent home Chris the jumper. That is a shocker. Joe and Khalid.

Lynn Grogan 

On that note, do you want to jump in the first one and take Coachable Moment number 1?

Lauren Rapaport 

All right. Drumroll. So I think this is just a general topic that could probably apply to any season. A little bit about me. I didn’t mention this in my opening, but I’m a little over two years sober, and since I took a couple of seasons break on watching the show, this is my first time watching the show sober. And as we all know, there’s a lot of drinking on the show. You can see them drinking, although I thought it was interesting. We didn’t actually see Charity holding a drink, but we know she drinks because she did a shot. But I think it’s so interesting that the show is scrubbed of any conversation around alcohol. You never hear them talk about alcohol, and if you think about real life, it’s pervasive in our society. You can’t watch a TV show, you can’t read a book, listen to a book without a conversation around alcohol. Like, how much did I drink last night? Or oh, my man, I shouldn’t have said that because I drank this much last night. It is not talked about on the show. From what I remember. Correct me if I’m wrong, but it is not in the conversation. It’s almost as if any talk of alcohol is edited out of the show. And I think that’s super important for two reasons. First of all, by the way, this isn’t necessarily Coachable. This is just, I think, a really important topic of conversation in terms of dating, in terms of life, in terms of the show. But I think it’s important, first of all, because when you’re choosing a potential partner, I think it’s important to investigate your position on alcohol. Like, for example, because it’s so stark for me in terms of my pre-sober life and my post-sober life, and I am dating. So it’s like, what do your weekends look like? Do you go hiking on the weekend or do you spend your weekend at the bar? Do you go to boozy brunch? Is your life centered around alcohol? Is it not? So it’s like when you sit down with a partner and you talk about do you want kids? I think what is religion? What’s your political views? I think your position on alcohol is super important, and I don’t know if they do talk about it and we just aren’t privy to it because they edit it out. But it’s like, what’s the conversation around alcohol? So I think that’s the first thing. And then the second thing is, for purposes of the show, when you’re drinking, it’s much harder to regulate your feelings when you’re drunk, and it’s harder your inhibitions are lowered. So it’s like, oh, when they have that conversation, were they two sheets to the wind or were they sober? So I just think it’s interesting that for those two reasons, we have absolutely no gauge because they don’t talk about alcohol on the show.

Lynn Grogan

Yeah. And yet it’s like this other character on the show because you constantly see them with a glass in hand. I mean, one thing that came to me as you were talking as well, is that when they come on this show, they’re stripped of all distractions. They don’t have their phone to scroll on, which is a major one for all of us. You never see anybody eating, so there must be food somewhere, but you don’t see them eating. They don’t have anybody that they know, any sort of like TV, media, any of that. I don’t even know if they have books and magazines. And so the one thing that they actually give them that could serve as some sort of buffer or some sort of way to numb the crazy emotions I’m so sure they’re feeling is alcohol and it’s readily available. So to your point of not being able to regulate emotions, I mean, that’s kind of one of the only things, especially in this intro episode, where oftentimes you’ll see the men working out or hanging out at the pool. But they don’t even have that here to release any emotions because they’re just sitting around and they’re not really sure what’s going on or what’s about to happen next.

Lauren Rapaport 

Totally. Especially as you were mentioning, and it’s hard for us to gauge time, but these Rose ceremonies apparently go all night long, so it’s like, it’s hard to know how much they’ve been drinking. And sometimes it’s hard for people, you don’t have to be an alcoholic to have a hard time stopping at one when you’re sitting with no food and only alcohol for like 14 hours. Right? And if you’re not somebody who drinks a lot, that’s like a lot of alcohol to manage. And then it’s a high stress situation. You don’t have something to balance you out like food, you’re nervous, you’re anxious. Maybe the producers are people that you can lean on, but you may not have your regular people around you to talk to and so you just don’t have that buffer to help you regulate your emotions. Totally interesting situation.

Lynn Grogan 

Well, what, if anything, has helped you since you’re obviously navigating this world? And if you’re dating, you don’t have to liquid courage anymore because you have decided to not drink anymore. Have you found any tools or any ways of thinking about this that has helped you or anything that might help somebody listening that’s like, okay, wait a minute, now I realize that I lean on alcohol in that particular way. What do I do? Now I see it?

Lauren Rapaport 

That’s a great question. I have a lot of tools at my disposal. I have life coaching, I have a life coach myself, I have AA and so I have lot of the twelve step program. And it’s really feeling your feelings. I mean, that’s one of the challenges of getting sober was it’s like, oh wow, I really have to feel my feelings and stepping outside my comfort zone. But dating sober has been really interesting and I do have that insecurity of like, would somebody want to date somebody who’s sober because when I was drinking, there’s no way I would date someone who’s sober. And I have it right on my profile that says, at first I said I don’t drink, but I don’t care if you do. And I was like, Wait, that’s actually not true. There’s a saying in a that’s like rigorous honesty. It’s like, be really, really honest with yourself about what it is that will be honest with yourself about a lot of things. Same with life coaching, right? It’s like, really be honest with yourself about how you think and you feel. But it’s like, wait, that’s actually not true. It’s that I don’t want somebody who centers their life around alcohol. I don’t care if you have a drink or two, but are you centering your life around alcohol? Are you going to spend your entire weekend like brunch has alcohol in it? Then you go to another bar or you go to the baseball game and drink and then you go to a bar afterwards. It’s like center your life on alcohol.

Lynn Grogan 

That almost goes back to the first point you were making, is that they don’t necessarily talk about it on the show. And what I liked about what you just said there and I think is applicable to all of us, whether you drink or not, is just being really honest about what you want. Because it’s so tempting in those moments to almost say what other people want to hear, like, oh, I don’t, but you can. And it’s not going to bother me when deep down you’re just like, it’s bothering you. And so I think it’s a really brave moment to say this is what I want. Yeah, it’s going to filter out a lot of people, but if we don’t talk about it, like they don’t really seem to talk about it on the show, Charity might end up with somebody who’s just like, yeah, every weekend is the baseball game with drinks. Every weekend is this and that, and I go out with my bros and this is what I do. Is that cool? And it might not be cool if that’s not how she wants to live her life. I love that idea of that radical honesty and coming from that approach.

Lauren Rapaport 

Think that’s such a good point that it’s not just about alcohol. And I think there is a lot of that on the show, is that because there’s one person you’re pursuing and it’s like, oh, you like blue, I like blue, you like pink, I like pink. And it’s like, but wait, what do you want? It’s like really being honest about what you want because you do that in the real world when you date, or at least you try to do that in the real world. It’s not always easy. Yeah, but it doesn’t have to just be alcohol. I just think alcohol is one of the important things. They actually don’t talk about in the show. There’s other topics they don’t cover on the show.

Lynn Grogan 

On the note of finding things in common, that almost brings us to coachable moment number two, which I think you’re going to take if you want to lead that one up.

Lauren Rapaport 

We were okay. So coachable number moment number two was Charity’s original conversation with Brayden when he was saying he liked in her, he liked her empathy. And he’s like, because I’m over considerate. Almost basically, these aren’t his exact words, I wrote them all down, but just for this time’s sake, he basically said I’m over considerate to my own detriment. Like I almost harm myself because I’m so over considerate. And I thought it was really interesting because she seemed to eat that up. I mean, it may be editing, maybe there are other things in that conversation, but what we saw, she seemed to eat that up. And I saw that as a red flag because to me, empathy is very different than what it sounded to me like he was saying, like over consideration to my own detriment, to me read as people pleasing. And empathy is not people pleasing. And just to use facts, I Googled the definitions. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. That’s according to Google definition. And people pleasing is the emotional need to please others, often at the detriment of yourself. And I see people pleasing as a red flag. I would not want to date a people pleaser. And I can say that because I am a former people pleaser.

Lynn Grogan 

Yeah, I mean, it’s interesting because Charity and her response almost seems like she has a general understanding of I used to over give, I used to give and give and give, and now I have to take a step back and watch the situation. Almost sounds like she might have some boundaries. And when I watched it, I watched it back a couple of times, it did seem like she was assuming that her approach to humans is the same as Brayden’s. And I watched it back and I was like, you’re absolutely right, Lauren, they are not on the same. They might have the same quality, but she’s more mature in how she approaches it from my point of view, than Brayden, who is just like, oh, I’m so glad that you’re an over giver and I’m an over giver. Now we can over give together and nobody says what they actually need or sets up any sort of boundary. And I don’t think it was as compatible as Charity thought it was.

Lynn Grogan 

Well, what helped you overcome people pleasing? Because honestly, a lot of people do. I have definitely noticed those tendencies in myself over the years and have used coaching to overcome it. But I’d be curious to if there’s anything in particular that helped you.

Lauren Rapaport 

Yeah, well, first I’ll give you my number one example of what I used to do and why I think it’s kind of a red flag, and I can just give a couple of examples of how I overcame it. So what I would do is I’m very prompt. I’m a planner, but I’m a people pleaser. So if I had made plans and I lost friendships over this, if I made plans with somebody and I’d be like, okay, let’s meet for coffee at 05:00, and I knew they’re going to be late, but I’m also a people pleaser, so I’d be like, if you’re late, it’s a big deal. Don’t even worry about it. And I would sit there and stew and be mad. So I would hold a resentment. So people pleasers tell someone what they want to hear, but then they would hold resentments. So it’s like manipulative, right? So people pleasers think that they perceive themselves as nice, but it’s manipulative, and then you hold a resentment. I would be like, oh, my God, don’t even worry about it’s. Fine. And then I would just hold that resentment. So then I learned how to set a boundary, and in that example, it would be, hey, we can meet for coffee, but if you’re 15 minutes late or ten minutes late, I’m just going to leave. So then I wouldn’t be mad. Right. And then I’d set the expectation, set the boundary, and then first it’s setting the awareness. It’s like, I realized, actually, I am on time, I am a planner, and that’s okay, and I’m a people pleaser. Right? It’s like the awareness, the understanding, and that’s okay. And then I’m just going to own it, and I’m not going to be mad about it, and I’m going to understand it. And then I set the boundary, and then that was the first thing.

Lynn Grogan 

Can I interrupt you?

Lauren Rapaport

Please.

Lynn Grogan 

So the formula for the boundary, it sounds like, is if you do this, if that person is late, then I will do this. And it’s something that you can control. Like, I’ll leave if you’re more than 15 minutes late, if that okay.

Lauren Rapaport 

Yeah, it’s setting the rule, setting the consequence, and then communicating it. That’s the formula. But the first step is really just realizing you’re doing it and realizing that while you think you’re being nice, you’re not actually being nice because you’re trying to control someone else’s behavior. Like, you think I’m just trying to make someone happy, but you don’t know what makes somebody happy. And you’re trying to control somebody else’s feelings and behavior. And then you’re also being resentful.

Lynn Grogan

It’s like your dating profile where you’re like, I don’t drink, but you can.

Lauren Rapaport 

And now I hate you because you drink. Yeah. Not cool.

Lynn Grogan 

Not cool.

Lauren Rapaport 

So it’s really getting honest with yourself about what you really want.

Lynn Grogan 

Yes.

Lauren Rapaport 

And asking for it and having your own back.

Lynn Grogan

A story comes to mind. It was a job I had a while back. I had already quit and I was on my last week of work. I had my whole week scheduled out to do a handoff to other people and they asked me to do some sales calls. And in the past I would have been like, yes, whatever you need, whatever you need. And I legit did not have the time to do it. And so it took every part of me to say no. I was like, I should just say yes. I should just say yes even though I don’t want to. And I’ll be overworking. And it was so funny because my coach was just like, you quit. The fact is that you already quit. What are they going to do? And I was like, they are going to hate me forever. It was like such a doomsday thing. When you don’t people please, it feels like something terrible is going to happen. And that’s what makes it so hard to overcome. Because you have the awareness, but then you’re like, no, but something terrible is really going to happen if I don’t please. That like go out of my way to please that person. Kudos to Charity if she has figured out some tools for herself. I just don’t think Brayden is quite there yet.

Lauren Rapaport 

Totally. And the last thing on people pleasing is like it’s harder to trust a people pleaser’s word. Because I used to say yes to everything. I’d be like, yes because I didn’t want to disappoint somebody. I didn’t want to let them down. But when a non people pleaser says yes, don’t you believe that they really want to come? Because you know that they know how to say no. You know what I mean?

Lynn Grogan 

I was like, nobody comes to mind. Is everyone I know a people pleaser? But no, I’m just kidding.

Lauren Rapaport 

No, everyone just wants to hang out with you always.

Lynn Grogan 

Yeah.

Lauren Rapaport 

When the yes means yes, no means no. When they say yes, it’s a hell yes.

Lynn Grogan 

It’s a hell yes. Yeah. No. And it does feel good because you’re like otherwise they would say no. I had this British boss once. I don’t know why it matters that he’s British, but it just sounded nice when he said it. And somebody would ask him to do something, he’d be like, I liked to, but I really don’t want to.

Lauren Rapaport 

Right? And it was like, oh, of course.

Lynn Grogan

If I said that in my Midwestern accent. Oh, yeah, I’d like to, but I really don’t want to. You’d be like, jerk, jerk. But it’s true. There’s so many things I would like to do, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to leave the house after 08:00 p.m.. It’s dark, and I can’t see very well anymore. Like legit, I’m not coming to your house that late. Well, that was a yes. So Charity’s got her hands full with Brayden as per the end of the episode, you see previews of the future of different things that come up.

Lauren Rapaport 

There’s so many things we could talk about, Brayden, but I just want to pick up that one little thing. And then you’ll have lots for future episodes, I’m sure.

Lynn Grogan 

All right, well, that brings us to our last Coachable moment. Coachable moment number three. It’s another one that’s a little bit more general. I think it’s actually one of the reasons that I like watching reality shows so much is that you get a group of people that are suddenly thrust into a space that is not in their comfort zone. So these people are going about today to day life, and now they’re suddenly on this show where they have no other place in their life where they can draw from. They can’t be like, oh, I’ve been on another reality dating show in the past, and I can draw from that. To have the skill set to know how to show up here that exists. So suddenly, here they are on night one. And I think this is why we probably all like to watch it too. You have 25 men in Charity. Charity has an inkling of what this is like because she was on a previous like a contestant before. They’re in clothes they probably don’t wear all the time, which are probably mildly uncomfortable. You’re mic’d up. It’s cold. We didn’t even talk about how it’s freezing. From what we can tell, it’s pelting down rain. They’re drinking probably more than usual, may or may not have food, probably super tired. And they’re trying to navigate this world. They have no idea what to expect. Cameras everywhere. And so, of course, we’re going to get, like, ridiculousness will ensue. And the people I know you had before, I said like, oh, yeah, they can just go talk to the producers. But the producers have their own agenda. They’re like, oh, yeah, go interrupt that one on one date. That’s a great idea. Here, let me give you a prop. So there’s like, nobody can even trust because you can see the men befriending each other, but there’s really even still, I mean, they’re all going after the same thing. And so the people who stay on the show talk so much about transformation and what happens to them. And I think this is something that is even similar to we can bring this back to coaching is if you put yourself in a scenario where you’re outside of your comfort zone, you have to become by default, you become this different person who has to step up to the challenge or not. And all of these people on the show are suddenly you can see them grasping at former areas of their life. Some of them seem to think this is the job interview and they present that way just like okay, I’m applying for the job of your husband. Some of these men seem to think this is a sports competition and they’re doing backflips trying to impress her. Because they’re like I’ve only experienced this one thing where multiple people are going for one quote unquote prize and that’s maybe as a job or maybe in sports. So to me this really stands out because I even think about this. I know at the top of the show we talked about starting your own business, but the same thing comes up in any scenario. If you’re like having your first kid, you’re moving to a brand new place you’ve never been before. Suddenly you are in a different environment and yeah, you have some skills to go on but by default you become this very different person. And I know for myself, this is where coaching was a game changer for me because I’ve done a lot of different things in my life. But once I had coaching that’s where I really could get the support of just this neutral party who could just say, okay, it makes sense that you’re in this new environment and you’re feeling a ton of self doubt, you’re feeling just a roller coaster of emotions. And to have somebody there that can just be that calm, steady force to talk you through, it something we don’t see the contestants on the show have would be beneficial. But it’s something that I feel like I could very much relate to because I’m watching them be outside of their comfort zone. I don’t know if you have any thoughts about this, but it’s something that stood out to me.

Lauren Rapaport 

Absolutely. I think they designed the show for a reason, right? Like if they were able to call their best friend or call their therapist or call their life coach or call their parents, they could probably ground themselves and get out a little bit out of their mind drama and then act in a totally different way. But they probably isolate themselves from all of those grounding forces because they want to foster a sense of mind drama as much as humanly possible. But I agree wholeheartedly that we talk a lot about there’s growth and discomfort and so I think the discomfort creates the mind drama and gets great TV. But I do think there’s huge transformations for the ones who sink or swim, for the ones who swim do end up having huge transformations for better or for worse too.

Lynn Grogan 

For better, for worse. Yeah, because I think about this too of anybody who’s in a rut. And I mean one of the reasons why I wanted to continue on with this podcast was a lot of people have that pattern of sitting on the couch, like, going to work and then coming home and sitting on the couch and watching these types of shows. But the way that you would get out of any sort of rut would be to put yourself in this environment where you’re out of your comfort zone or try for something new or change your patterns in a certain way. And it can just feel like when you approach those things, like everything has gone wrong because you feel so many negative emotions. And so it’s like, hold up, wait, no, let’s just go back to that pattern of going to work, sitting on the couch. Going to work, sitting on the couch. And so it was just like, even watching this on Monday night and just reflecting on my own experiences of being outside of my comfort zone, I was just like, well, yeah, of course we’re seeing whatever we see on TV. We don’t have the grounding forces.

Lauren Rapaport 

It takes a tremendous courage to go on these shows. I mean, I give everyone, every single person on these shows, unbelievable props for going on these shows. I can’t even imagine what it actually is like to be on the show in terms of outside. They’re so fascinated. I mean, my true dream, if we’re going to be honest here, is to go on. Well, honestly, I really do not believe I’m allowed on Survivor because of the diabetes. So my close second is Big Brother. Oh, my God. I’m obsessed with Big Brother and Survivor. It’s to go on, Big Brother, but I’m terrified. There’s just no way.

Lynn Grogan 

Oh, my God, I’m going to hold you to this. I’ll be like, you must apply.

Lauren Rapaport 

I have applied to Big Brother twice. But if you really want any shows, you apply year after year after year after year. I mean, you really apply. I’m saying I can’t say this on the podcast.

Lauren Rapaport 

I’m too old at this point.

Lynn Grogan 

We’ll find a place for you, Lauren, in the reality world, if not Big Brother, something else. I think the biggest takeaway I don’t know from this section is really like if you are somebody who has been in a rut, like putting yourself outside of your comfort zone, you just by definite even just like driving a different way to work. It wakes up your brain in a very different way and it starts to exposes like breathing fresh air onto it. If you keep doing everything the way that you’ve always done them, you’ll keep getting the same results in your life. If you like those results, amazing. But if you don’t just initiate small changes or go on a reality show.

Lauren Rapaport 

Yes. You know what Joe Dispenza says? Change your energy, change your life.

Lynn Grogan

I love it.

Lauren Rapaport 

Yeah. Literally. I feel like that’s what you’re saying. We’re going to reality TV show or.

Lynn Grogan 

Go on a reality TV show. Well, Lauren, I think my life in some way, shape or form has changed by knowing you over this last year. So amazing. Any last thoughts before we close up the show for today?

Lauren Rapaport 

No, just thank you so much. It’s been so fun getting to know you. It’s been so fun being on this podcast. I’m so excited. It’s become a reality again.

Lynn Grogan 

All the best time. All right, Lauren, if somebody wanted to find you on the Internet, where would they go to look for you?

Lauren Rapaport 

Laurenrapaport.com, that’s one p at a time. That’s Laurenrapaport.com.

Lynn Grogan 

Amazing. And I’ll also have Lauren’s details in the show note for this episode. If you like what you heard, be sure to share this with a friend. That’s how this whole show grows. And on that note, thank you, Lauren, for coming on the show today.

Lauren Rapaport 

Thank you.

Lynn Grogan 

All right, we’ll talk later.

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Lynn Grogan host of the Reality Show Life Coach podcast

Meet your host

Hi! I’m Lynn Grogan. It’s my passion as a life coach to help you escape the status quo and live a fulfilling life on your own terms!


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