Women Tell All with Carrie Marshall | The Bachelor S24, E10

Master Life Coach Carrie Marshall

I’ll be completely honest – the Women Tell All episode is always my LEAST favorite of the season. I totally get why it exists, but I find it so cringe-worthy. This time around was no different.

But on the upside, this week on the Reality Show Life Coach podcast I was joined by the fabulous Carrie Marshall. Carrie coaches men! Why? Because she’s awesome. And she’s also a damn good coach.

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Unedited Transcript

all right welcome back to The Bachelor life coach podcast I’m your host Lynn Grogan and todaywe’re talking about season 24 episode 10 of The Bachelor which is coincidentally episode 10 of this podcast and today Ihave with me I’m so excited for this I have Kerry Marshalls only fun hi all the people about yourself Kerryhi all the people I’m so excited to be here today my name’s Kerry Marshall and I’m a certified life coach through thelife coach school and I get the opportunity to coach all the dudes so my niece is I coach men mostlybusiness professionals and CEOs who have amazing success at work but they mightstruggle a little bit in their personal lives and that’s why they come and find me yes yes and you’ve also coached mebefore and I have like a girl crush on you which now you know about coz I’m telling you live yeah I may also get tocontract for the life coach school so I get to like coach amazing people like you and coaching is just really my jam Ijust love it so much and look at it well thanks so much you know it’s really funto be able to just coach and The Bachelor let me tell you I am just pretty sure that they need to hire alife coach like one of us like yesterday exactly like yesterday like three seasons ago it just needs to happen Iknow well we’re like the enemy I feel like life coaches would be the enemy of this show totally the producers wouldnot like us at all they would be like listen you’re doing the exact opposite of what we do exactly and did you seethough the announcement this week that the next Bachelorette is 38 years old I did yeah and that they’re going to have kindof the older contestants which I think it’s gonna be really interesting to kind of get that different vibe in there and38 years old I think that she’s ready to go you know she’s actually on the hunt looking for somebody for life so that’llbe for life I know it’s like it’s funny because I feel like they’re gonna call her like geriatric like when we go tolike the OB and they’re just like oh you’re at the geriatric agent I’m like what the hell like what what is happening I know what is happening soI’m like I’m her age so I’m excited cuz I’m like oh this is gonna be moreinteresting I’m nice I don’t know this whole seasons been super fun to do the podcast but like I’m excited to just explore the brains ofslightly more mature brains yeah and it’s really fun that it is that 38 year old because I think when I was thinkingCarries Bachelor Journeyback on my pot on my bachelor journey I was like oh I started watching it when Iwas this age so 38 I’m like oh you’re gonna get all of us that maybe have like fallen off a little bit of watching TheBachelor gonna totally be back in it like yes 38 let’s do this wait tell me about your bachelor journey how longhave you been watching so I started watching the very first season of course and watched like religiously four fivesix seasons and then as I got older and I got married and started having kids I was like yeah you know just a little bittoo much drama for this mama so I stopped watching and then kind of picked it up the last season so amazing waitwas I the bad influence that got you back into the bachelor absolutely absolutely this is my goal inlife at some point it’s gonna be infiltrated all across every life coach everywhere it’s gonna be so not oh mygosh so let’s talk about this show we’re gonna do a recap Alex oh yeah we had the women tell all but it wasn’t just thatthey showed they started out with the rose ceremony in Australia Peters down to three ladies so we had Hannah andMadison Victoria F and Peter let’s Victoria F go she’s not surprising notat all surprising he got what he wanted out of that one that’s how I kind of sawit right she was fantasy sweet material but maybe not wife material just totally wasabsolutely absolutely so he was like thank you next yeah exactly it’s likeand you don’t get a rose um and so then you know we transition back into the studio where they have the women tellall where um you know they go through some of the key highlights like I think thewhole purpose of this is just for them to like recap the season so we remember what happens through the bickering ofladies and so they talked about like Alea and her fakeness they talked about champagne gay they talked about McKennathey bring Tammy on to like bicker about everything nothing gets resolved it’sbasically this cacophony of noise with nobody running the very good five minutes no that’s thecrazy thing yeah no one runs the show it’s just like here you go ladies how about it I think a little but it’s likethe producers going oh you want to know what it’s like to be us here you go and so we gotta say no thank you yeahand then we have hot seats with Kelsey and Victoria F we see Peter and Chris goin party crashed some bachelor nation parties which which can I tell you just from my perspective I’ll actually loveBachelor Nationbachelor nation because as I was watching it over again and seeing them crush these parties I had this reallylike thing of the example of this looks a lot like a Super Bowl party right andso it’s like I you know as I coach men and we talked so much about sports as they went into bachelor nation I waslike look this is like every Monday night for most men we dress up with ourfavorite sports jerseys we’re doing all of the things we get all of our friends together and then we talk about the gameand I was like look we’re just as bachelor nation we’re just getting together talking about the game I knowthis is such an upgrade for me so like back in high school I had dude friends and they always wanted to watch WWF onMondays yes so I don’t know if humans know about this I’m like I used to watch so much wrestling I’m like the rock wasbig at the time so it was good but this is an upgrade for me for sure yeah yeahso it’s just Monday night whatever game it is whether it’s football or bachelor doesn’t matter it’s all just gettingtogether with our friends having something to talk about I know and I’ve never been to like a bachelor party like one of these partlike show stop it right now I know but I travel full time it’s just like kind of hard I would have to do like what Peterand and Chris we’re doing which is just basically find randos and crash them so maybe that’s my next like Craigslistfind I’ll just find like for sure sure or Eventbrite we’re gonna find an event bright for you that’s like bachelorparty yes so if you’re listening to this please I am like headed towards Renoplease find Lynne please find me and then we wrap up on like this kind ofsobering note where Rachel Lindsay comes on and reads some of the hate mail that she andothers have gotten which I thought was actually an interesting move for the franchise because you know there was allthis backstory with Victoria F and how she had participated in white lives matter campaign and so I thought thiswas an interesting way to address it without even talking about Victoria F but just being like hey here’s the other side of it here’s what it is justbringing awareness everyone and what’s happening I thought it was a cool move on their part what did you think I didExpose Yourselftoo I think that that’s the part that so many of us don’t see is like what happens after so many of these women gohome you know we all see like they’re amazing Instagram posts and everything like that but there’s always this otherside of it which is when you expose yourself the exposure doesn’t come just for the good of like whatever it’s gonnamean for your life there’s also all of these other aspects that come into it so I thought it was a really great move onthe franchise’s part yeah yeah I had no idea like I assumed that they weregetting like some trolls along the way but I mean how can we know unless we were in their shoes so yeah I thoughtthat was a really interesting move and you’re totally right like we have no idea what happens after it but people have lots of opinions including thisshow like including this podcasts a pain absolutely totally absolutely well on that note shall we coach Carrie let’s doit alright so ok so we’re gonna start back at that rose ceremony where Petergives Victoria F the axe and he keeps Madison and so I thought this was likeso interesting for Peter because um he usually just goes for the girls that have given him validation along the waywho have said either that they’re in love with him or they really want to be with him but obviously we see some reluctance and hesitation on Madison’spart but Peter stoked like so into her that he keeps her and you had Anna moreimportantly an interesting note when we were kind of collaborating on this do you want to share that yeah absolutelyPeoplepleasing Peterso I have the nickname for Peter this whole season that’s called people-pleasing Peter he is so desperatefor other people’s validation and that’s what he’s really seeking he even says it is what I want is validation Iso he goes around and it’s interesting to kind of see the different sides of Peter and it’s I am always looking likewho’s he people-pleasing today or for this scene he says things and then I’m like oh it must be people-pleasing forthe producers he really wants to make sure that he’s doing the right thing for them and then he talks to Chris and it’slike really people-pleasing for Chris of am i doing the right thing Chris I don’t know what do you think and then whenhe’s with the women it’s the same thing mm-hm and so it was really interesting with his relationship with Madison thathe’s being vulnerable there he’s asking her during that of like are you surewhen he gives her the rose and she says yeah he’s like are you sure he’s so unsure himself about Madison becausethere’s not the people-pleasing with her he’s not getting the validation that he has with the other women yeah so why doyou think he did this right because he could have gone with Victoria F who wasall-in at that point she finally decided she was all-in um but Madison I mean she walked awaythey didn’t have their fantasy suite moment like what do you think changed for him that he was able to kind of Imake that there’s something yeah I think there’s something with that relationship there I think that his thoughts withPeters vulnerabilityMadison as much as he he has or she hasn’t given him that um validation atthe other women have I think that there’s something about the relationship in itself that feels different for himthat he is willing to go out on a limb for her where the other women it’s kindof like almost the same type of things they give them the validation they knowsthat they love him he knows that he’s kind of their number one where with her I think he’s always kind of like there’ssomething different here and he’s still trying to figure it out yeah yeah and like giving it a chance to figure it outand I mean for her to she obviously didn’t walk away and stay away she came back and so I do think like you touchingon that like moment of vulnerability I think that is important here because this is the thing that Peters been afraid of this whole time of beingexposed to picking someone who may not pick himACK which is very much Madison right now right exactly so that’s where I saw that vulnerability come in it is the timethat he’s so unsure his hands are shaking as he has the rose and he’ssaying Madison’s name I thought that was so fascinating he’s that vulnerable thathe was willing to say that and he didn’t know if it was a yes or no I think every other time he’s known that it’s gonna bea yes yeah he hasn’t that yeah totally like there’s never been a hesitation it’s all like oh you’re gonna acceptthis rose like he didn’t even need to say it with most other people but he needed to say it with her yeah I thoughtit was like I thought that was a really interesting moment for him and for both of their relationships like okay whereis this gonna go for them like that’s why I’m so curious for next week because they keep telling us over and over againwe don’t know what to expect and I have a feeling it has something to do with Madison but is this something that yousee in your male clients like this people-pleasing side because I often associate people-pleasing with women andso it’s been so interesting to see it played out for men yeah absolutely people-pleasing definitely isn’tsomething that is just for one like girls or women it’s not something that just women do people-pleasing isdefinitely something across the board and we see it with men it just comes in a different formso people-pleasing comes for in jobs you see this a lot of like going after itbut they do it just a different way and so and so being able to see like whatways peope Peter sir searching for validation and what way do we search forvalidation through jobs so you see this really often with men of searching forthe validation the people-pleasing through their jobs and through recognition at their work mmm do youthink Peter thinks of being in The Bachelor as a job I think he does Ithink he does I like I said as before you can see that he does some peoplepleasing for both the producers and Chris and so I actually do think that hesees it as a job yeah yeah cuz as you were saying that I was just like oh right he has this job and they get paidfor it they get paid at least hundred K so how could you not see it as some what is a job like I have toperform right and then for all these women it’s like okay he’s performing for them like I wonder how often he justkind of drops his guard like sometimes you see a little like bloopers where you’re like oh that’s what Peter’s really like but ungodly and so that’sPerformancewhy I think yeah that’s why I think the performance thing comes in for the job is you know you see some things and it’slike oh he’s trying really hard right now to do what he thinks the producerswant instead of just being himself like you said the bloopers you kind of see that actual Peter come out and so I dothink that it’s more of a performance a job for him when I think that uh like what makes it so challenging for a lotof people as there is a lot of reward involved in that type of people-pleasing like you probably would get the coversit came to my mind was upgrade but um promotion at work you’d get the promotion at work you would get you know like probably more money is like morerecognition more this more that so it seems like on the one hand you’re goingagainst maybe some of your wishes but the people-pleasing might also allow align with what you want too so yeahwell that’s how people pleasing is right as you always we don’t just people please for other people we actuallyPeople Pleasingalways get something back in return whether it’s validation something monetary like money from araise something like that so that’s why people pleasing is something that we see so often in so many different peopleit’s because we actually get something in return but the hard part about that is then we’re not getting it from ourselvesright Peter doesn’t have self-confidence where he just knows that no matter whathe does he can have confidence in himself and like really happy zone back yeahyeah so it’s like what could even do at this point like how could he help himself you know I think that it reallydoes start with just knowing that there’s nothing that you can do that’s going to actually hurt who you are withyour worth I think it really does come down to knowing that your value and your worth is just something that’s innateand then the other thing with people pleasing is asking yourself the question of if everything’s an option for me whatdo I decide to do not based on other people’s opinions okay yeah and I think that’s interestingtoo because it’s like they don’t really have outside feedback at this point they have producers and so which are nottheir family which are not their friends so really it’s just like okay if I don’t want what the producers want then they kind of do have to go back to what theywant and that might be one of the first times that they’ve ever considered that for themselves so maybe that’s what Peter’s doing here kind of just likeokay I’m not trying to make good TV anymore now I’m trying to pick absolutely absolutelyOh Pierre well let’s move on to number two which is the hot mess which is thiswoman tall like this is the part I don’t like it’s just the noise of it likethey’re all just screaming feather noise so much noise I think I’m always so surprised that they’re still so mad ateach other like this is the part I don’t get not all of the people like Kelsey and Victoria have seemed to kind of bestaying out of it um but the rest of them very much seemed alive in the dramain the same way they were on the show like I’m like how are we still in the show in quotes like why you know whydoes it matter at this point they don’t need to be friends with each other like why do you think they’re still so up in each other’s business I think becauseThe Victimthey still get to be part of the story when they’re up in each other’s business so you know when they drop the drama andthey drop like you said any of these experiences or things that they had inlike problems with the other women then it’s like they move on from there fromthe experience they move on into their own life but when they stay with this conflict with each other they continueto get to be number one part of the story number two they get to have a villain and then they get to be thevictim mm-hmm yeah which I mean almost all of them were just like vying for that victim role nobody wanted to beviolently oh absolutely and you see that a lot with victims it’s almost like they’re willing to do so much tocontinue to hold on to being the victim oh so I would guess that most of thesewomen would be doing this in the regular their day to day lives as well and they’re probably getting a lot of validation for that back home just likeoh I saw how they edited you like that was not good I can’t believe she did that to you exactly and the morevalidation the more that they’re like ya see it really is something that happened to me instead of takingownership of it I’m like no this is how I showed up there’s no victim there’s no villain it’s just an experience but theystill get to hold on to it and and continue to play it over and over in their in their life not only for thisexperience but like you said probably outside of it as well yeah totally what did you just like think of this section of the show likewhen you’re watching it as a viewer I just like you said it sounds like just a lot of noise to me it reminds me ofHawai I probably had a lot of guy friends in high school you call it mycoach men absolutely cuz I when I watch that I’m just like it’s like watchinglike a circus for me I’m like what is happening yeah like I just sometimes I don’t even get it because that type ofinteractions with each other I just never have really been part of and so it fascinates me but in the weirdest likeit’s a car wreck type of a way almost a car wreck I know and like I also isquite interested that the drama has not evolved at all it’s still the same dramas on the show I thought for surethey’d be sending each other dams and we’d like have like move forward in the drama story but how is it that they’restill in the same like pile of poo of the same drama that they have I thinkThe Dramabecause they’re still getting ammunition from it it’s still something that’s like stoking the fire like they’re stillgetting that validation like you said people are still interested in it peopleare probably still talking to them about it and so it’s still something that is very relevant in their life even thougheverybody else has moved on even though they’re actually living outside of The Bachelor but they’re still getting thevalidation from outside sources that it is something that’s still relevant yeah and so like I thought like throughoutthat whole scene they kept trying to draw in both Victoria F and Kelsey and they weren’t like really into it no likewhy do you think they stayed out but the other women were like really a dickToria F surprised me yeah women tell all I was like who is this person she showedup so much more almost aware of herself and so I thinkthat it was almost a self-awareness of like you know what I’m just not part of this it’s not part of I think it was thejust that belief for in herself that maybe that was that she was past that mmmOh like she is in a different part of the story she’s actually moved on where do the other people have not exactlyexactly she’s like in the next chapter she’s like yeah that was for you guys but I’m over here I also just wonder ifshe wants to be past this whole story of her life I mean she’s probably had a really rough go of things um after theshow just with like being accused of ripping apart marriages I mean the wholewhite lives matter thing which I still don’t fully understand what I don’t know but um she seems like she’s probablyjust like okay let’s put the bachelor behind us whereas everybody wants to still be a part of things kelsey seems like she’s got her feet inboth camps like maybe I want to have trauma but maybe I also want to be like poster child for emotions or something alittle bit but um yeah I I just thought this whole section was interesting andum you know and I think if you asked all of them like do you want to stay in thisvictim role like they would say no because they think that that would be the right thing to say or that they’re not a victim at all but I think secretlythey like because of the story and wanting to be a part of like the whole scene that is bachelor they want to beremembered yeah and you get down it comes down to yeah you get to be remembered it’s like you might say thatof would you want to move on and they’d say yes but then they’re gonna go and call their girlfriends and talk about it more and when people talk about itthey’re not going to move on from it they’re gonna be like get right back in it with them yeah I also wonder – I’mjust thinking about this it’s like if there is some motivation for them to be dramatic like if the producers are likeoh well we’re still deciding on who’s gonna go to bachelor in paradise so if you really yeah and when you see that oflike what is in it for them well when you have the drama you’re actually the one that the camera is on the majorityof the time yeah yeah and then people get to form opinions of you good or bad it just makes it there like I guess ifthey make for good TV on that women tell all then they’re more likely to have the rewards of bachelor in paradiseso exactly make sense to me um well let’s move on I just I do want to talk about the role ofChris Harrison throughout the whole season like I’m not podcast we haven’t really talked about him at all because he’skind of like this bystander but he does play an interesting role he plays a bigChris Harrisonrole and that’s why he is stuck around for all of the bachelor seasons becausehe does so well at his job yeah what is his job yeah I was gonna say I think his job isa couple of different things number one he’s really bit good at being the neutral space for everyone so he has andhe does a really good job of not showing if he has favorites in the moment but then he’s also the confidante for thebachelor himself and so you see Chris really be there for Peter in so manydifferent areas and even when Peter and Chris were talking about Madison andwhat to do Peter brilli Oh opens up to Chris and there’s a trust there between the two ofthem and so it’s almost like Chris is playing a coach he’s really good atholding space he’s really good at being neutral for a lot of different people and so so that’s why I think Chris playssuch an important role to everyone in The Bachelor yeah I think the whole idea of him not being on sides is key whereyou know you can go to him for anything and then it’s kind of safe he’s kind of like the dad he’s a coach but also kindof a dad role like if you take a step back he is sort of an interesting pick for a host of a show like this becauseit’s like okay we have 20-somethings trying to date each other and then hereyou have this like middle-aged man in a suit who’s kind of like a Southern gentleman sort of um like how do we getto Chris Harrison in a show like this but somehow it just works it just worksthat’s the thing with Chris Harrison is it just works for him I think like you said being the neutralspace I love actually watching him interact with all of the women because you can see that there’s actually arelationship even between them because how he treats each of them is so different when he’s interacting withthem some of them he gives a big hug to some of them he gives this knowing look like they’ve already had a conversationabout what’s going on so I really do think that Chris does not only a lot on screen but off screen as well yeah likehe’s sort of like you trust him whereas they might stop trusting their producers like he’s somebody that doesn’t seemlike he has an agenda with them that he’s just there I mean his presence often reminds me ofa very good waiter at your table like a server coming over and just like knows exactly the right moment to show up andask if you need anything what else is going on and then he just kind of floats away like you notice himum I mean sometimes his presence does mean something to them like if he shows up at weird times but mostly like he’s avery steady Eddy he shows up exactly when he’s supposed to he leaves when he’s supposed toyes very neutral and just like during the women tell all you just see him sitting there it’s almost like he had atimer on or something like he just sits and just listens and I mean very neutralfor most of it you can see a couple times where he like raises his eyebrows or whatever but most of the time he just sits and he’s just buried they’re likethey’re just holding space as the women do their thing and talk to each other yeah and he’s really good at being umnot a big personality because they need the bachelor or the Bachelorette to be the big personality so I’ve alwaysthought that’s interesting about him like how do you find that balance my audios doing something weird how do youfind the balance between like being the face of the show but also not being theface of the show it’s like so fascinating to me absolutely fascinating I think that he knows exactly why theshow sells and why it’s so important for so many people and that he knows thatthat’s not his job I think it’s almost like a pressure off of him to not have to be the thing that’s in the middle ofeverything but he knows that it doesn’t really work without him and so I do think that he’s figured out just that exact balance ofit’s not about me but it absolutely works because of me yeah how do you think he isn’t creepy because I’ve neverfound him to be creepy at all but like a lot of people could be in that role and get kind of creepyabsolutely I think it goes back to the neutral part of it like if you were to be having opinions about all the womenthat would be creepy and would be like in right if he was on screen sayingthings about different women and it would just get creepy so I think that being the neutral space is why he’s sogood at just like you said being kind of the waiter the dad figure all of that on the show so interesting I feel like I’mgonna start watching him more on upcoming seasons because I just don’t like how does he do that it’s like itseems so simple like anybody could step in and do it but really no you have to like kind of check your ego at the doorfor that type of role it’s like watching a really good coach I mean you and I have both been in spaces with reallyCoachable Momentsphenomenal coaches that’s how I thought I see Chris I’m like wow like how is he doing itwhat are his techniques how does he you know work with so many different people different personalities it’s just thesame of watching a really good phenomenal coach yeah you watch them and it’s like wow how are they doing thishow do they hold space like this how are they staying so neutral it’s just one of those things I think that comes withboth experience and then a little bit of expertise as well yeah he makes it look easy I mean I think especially well wecan move on to like coachable moment number four which is like we have all these hot seats where you know theybring a Peter and Kelsey and Victoria F and I just thought was so interesting and we’ve touched on this a little bitis that like who are these people like they seem so different than they were onthe show they seem calmer they’ve watched the show back and like I was it particularly like surprised by Kelseylike how she was able to laugh at herself and all the things that happened I was just like wait a minute like shewas so unable to do that on the show and now she was like well of course like this is hilarious um like that was wildto me that they were just all so self-aware did you know crazy yeah oh itwas it was like you said it was like night and day of like are these the same people and and I think that a lot ofthat comes from getting back into your own environment I think that when you’re in The Bachelor or something like thatwhere you’re around all the producers and the other since and all of it it is like sointense and you kind of almost it’s like switching reality right it’s like you’realmost in a virtual reality of The Bachelor because everything is so intense and so I think removing thecontestants from you know and watching it over again watching with family other people’s opinions that you trust I thinkthat that almost helps with the self-awareness of like oh yeah that was just that one moment that one experiencebut this is maybe who I really am or how I’m processing it a little different I can see that that was maybe even not meand maybe this is who I really am but yeah completely different Victoria F andKelsey especially totally I mean I didn’t if I think what was interestingabout that part is it wasn’t just like oh well they were playing such a role on the show and now they’re their trueselves it really was like eye opening to me to see how humans can act so differently when they’re in highpressured situations getting very little sleep in an environment that’s just sowildly different than their everyday and how they show up because it’s like I think we all have that at some point inour lives like just hit the fan and then how do you react and then when you do get a moment to breathe and look backat it you’re like who was that person and for a lot of people that can like invoke a lot of shame for them or youknow they want to hide that part of their lives or avoid it completely thinking about it but for these likethese three it’s completely unavoidable like they had to watch it they had to watch the show back I mean they didn’tthey could have chosen not to but it would been kind of hard not to desist to see what they were like and so for allof them they could have dropped into this deep shame and I didn’t get that impression at all from any of themVictoria Fno I really got kind of almost like an ownership of it you know like whenVictoria F was talking she was just very much like self-aware about like oh I cansee that if I would have accepted Peters love this would have gone differently you know she just was very much takingownership of how she showed up like you said with no shame but just kind of like yeah I could see what happened there andand I wish I would have done it differently yeah I was almost like a gift to her because I’m sure she doesthis in every single relationship she’s ever been in but nobody’s like hey I filmed you for the last six weeks do youwant to see how you show up in relationships um and so she could have totally shutdown and not seen that but obviously she was open to seeing it at least a little bit and it seemed like it was kind ofhelpful for her a little bit um but then we also get like this interestinginteraction with Kelsey and you picked up on this and I’ve been thinking thisthe whole season too about her any emotions yeah like I just thought it was so crazy that they were like okay we’regonna have this moment with Kelsey and we’re going to celebrate that now she is the poster child of emotional adulthoodor you know taking her emotions and feeling them and I was like what is happening here because there’s a differencebetween what we know as coaches is reacting to emotion versus processing emotion and what I see Kelsey do sooften is reactive emotions right everything is big everything is hardeverything is so drawn out but is that really emotional adulthood I don’t thinkso no I never got the impression there of like oh that’s how you do it cool that’s a good example I would totallyshow my clients that like no never because it was just yeah it was a lot of reaction um and so I think it’s easy toI can miss identify tiers as being like a processing of emotion which always itcan be totally it can be but for her it was like coming from that kind ofextreme reaction without actually processing anything just kind of like a lashing out like a outburst of sortswhich is like May for her a step in the right directionbut there’s still more to go and almost by awarding this it’s like saying okay you’re good you’reEmotional Shamingall good absolutely well the one thing that Ashley did say during that segment that I really did appreciate what she saidthere is no place in this world for emotional shaming and that I a hundredpercent of notice I do think that that is something especially with my male clients that I see so often of not beingallowed to experience and process all emotion and so we really do in a sourSociety have emotions that are seen as bad or good for different individuals tohave and I don’t think that that a hundred percent agree emotional shaming there is no place in it in this andwhere we’re going and so to really work on that I think is important but to do it in the right way and like I said notseeing that Kelsey is maybe the poster child for for this emotional uprising orwhatever you want to call it that we want to have but to really see that there is a way of accepting our emotionsand that it’s great for all of us to be able to do that that’s how we really as a society start to work on our emotionalintelligence is allowing other people to have the process and process emotions how they need to mmm well and I think ifanything though it does start the conversation like she showing emotions and having people’s like have so manystrong reactions to her um did start the conversation and what does it mean tohave an emotion what does it mean to process the emotion what are the different ways like there’s been times afew times throughout the season where they’re like well I journal and I do this and I do that and so it suggeststhat there’s lots of different ways you can do it and there are there totally are but like getting to that emotionaladulthood state of mind and being able to process in that way is it goes alittle bit beyond what we’re saying Kelsey do absolutely but like you said a great way of actually opening up theconversation yeah totally which I think brings us like kind of right into numberfive which is this really interesting powerful moment that we kind of are talked about with Rachel Lindsay at theend who you know Rachel Lindsay previous Bachelorette she comes on to read somecomments that have been shared on social media which I think they call Kate hate mail on the show like hate comments umand you know and so we see most of the people that they like close-ups on intears I was in tears at that moment I just thought it was like pretty raw forTV like I see the eye opening yeah totally eye-opening yeah um I guess mybiggest question for you is how you coach people on this because you know wehear about this I’m like oh my gosh this is so terrible you’re being totally in victim mode but it doesn’t help somebodyempower themselves and so luckily like I don’t really what it is well the firstthing is that we know that people are allowed to do whatever they want to they can say and do whatever they want to andso that’s sometimes where I like to start with my clients is other people are allowed to show up how they want tobut it really is deciding for ourselves what we want to make those words meanthey’re they really are if we’re going to say neutral people’s words areneutral and what we really want to do though is decide what do I want to thinkDecideand feel about this because like you and I were just saying with when they were reading the comments I really honestlydidn’t want to see some of those comments as neutral as they were reading them so I was like you know what this isan opportunity for me to really check in with myself and I was like yeah I put it be okay with thatno and that’s that’s the opportunity I think that we give our clients when things like this happen is we give themthe opportunity to choose and then it doesn’t have to always be one way theydon’t always have to see something like that and do the action that they thinkright they don’t have to react a certain way they really do get to decide and Ithink that that’s where the power lies is deciding for yourself what you want to do when that happenshmm yeah cuz I think that’s where people get really confused or upset like in coaching it’s just like well wait why doyou want me to see this as neutral just like just just let anything bad happen to me and did it you know likeit’s like that and I totally hear where they’re coming from right but I think that’s where we get to the point whereyou just say okay like we can see these words as neutral but you can also decide that you don’t want them in your lifeand that’s where you can set up a boundary like if you do this I’m gonna do that and you had a nice note herethat just said you know boundaries like they actually talked about boundaries here yeah the women’s yeah the womenBoundariesstarted to say right then like they talked about yes we’re getting these and one of the women said I’ve just set upfor my filter that if there’s any of these type of words it filters them out so that was her setting a boundary withher social media she just decided to set the filter up that if these certain words are in my DMS they will not evenmake it into my DM they’ll just be completely filtered out that’s a boundary she’s taking care of herselfshe’s not telling other people that they can’t DM her or email her but what she’sdoing is protecting herself so she’s saying I’m gonna go ahead and take care of myself here which is how a boundaryworks yeah yeah and it doesn’t have to come from this place of drama it doesn’t have to be in reaction to it can just belike hey you know what I would prefer that somebody not telling me to kill myself every day so I’m gonna set up afilter for that it’s the same way that you know like gmail has given us the option to report spam rate like I don’twant to see this I have a tool here like I don’t have to respond to this DM saying no you’re a terrible person forsaying this I don’t have to get into like a defensive mode with them yeah I can just go ahead and say like I preferfront prefer not to um and so I thought it was awesome that they showed it onhere and they sort of I guess had a tool for people to help but it’s like it’s like almost like okay now we see thisbut what are we gonna you know how can we take care of ourselves through this and so I guess that’s what ourconversation here today is like okay what is next what can you do which is like really work to see the words asneutral and then decide what you want to think and feel about it right and I think that it really does come back toYour power is your ownlike citing that your power is your own I think that that’s the thing is whenthese type of things happen it feels so powerless I mean a lot I’ve had a lot of clients say that I just feel sopowerless what can I do and I’m like that’s where we really want to decide and remind ourselves that we do haveoptions available we have options of how we want to think and feel about this and it doesn’t always have to be one certainway totally yeah I think like I used to work in software before I was a coach and there was a lot of like women andsoftware and how like there are it was basically victim culture they’re like okay all these things are happening tous by these white guys and hoodies and it was pretty rare to have somebody come forward and be like no no here are sometools to help empower yourself like you don’t have to wait for somebody else’s permission to like step into your powerand figure out how you want to perfect show up in these moments and so that’swhat I think is like wow I wish like I would have had a coaching at that time because it would have given me all these tools to help in that way but I mean Ido think this is an interesting first step just making people aware cuz that’s the first step in anything it’s justlike okay we’re aware that this is going on and now we can see it we can see it more often and I think have a lot morecompassion for these contestants like what they’re going through and they probably didn’t know what they were signing up for necessarily yeah and ICompassionthink you’re right I think even just how you and I talked about how we were shocked that this was what was happening I think that it really does start theconversation of like oh wow these are real people that are getting these terrible emails and DMS and things justfor being on a show and that’s it that’s all that that happened and so I do think that it is kind of a little bit moreawareness as kind of like bachelor nation of like oh yeah you know kind andcompassionate like these are real people or just going back to their normal lives and and you know having that awarenessthat these type of things are happening to them so can we show a little bit more compassion no totally yeah yeah and I’mwondering I’m guessing like after that that they did get a lot more love like a lot more people setting the messages oflove just like not even realizing cuz it’s like how often do we go out of our ways to thank people show gratitude forpeople we don’t necessarily like sometimes it’s not top of mind unless we have an actual practice ofexpressing gratitude or thanks or appreciation for other people and so it’s just kind of reminds us in themoments like that matters to that matters as well well and I think that itGratitudematters so much that like you said land when we have that appreciation I think so often we have the appreciation butthen we don’t like take the next step of letting people know like even the fact that Bachelor exists and that we get tohave a podcast episode about that I mean how amazing is that like you and I get to talk about it butthen what are we willing to do like what would you want to do for the next step and that’s even with our personal livesyou know I coach so many men about their marriages and they talk about how amazing their wives are but when I askedthem when was the last time that they let their wife know they can’t remember mmm and so it’s like not just having thegratitude but maybe like what can you do about the gratitude you know what what do you what would the action line be ifyou’re feeling gratitude yeah yeah and being able to express that and just being like okay so instead of beingangry that these things happen in the world and adding more anger to mix like okay how can we actually add love andgratitude through the mix which just feels better all around coz you’re the one that feels that like the personal receiving it hopefully they do too fromhow they think about it well we don’t know we have no idea yeah it really does come back to like I just get to be inthat space of more gratitude and more love because I’m the one that gets to I’m creating my own feelings yeah sothat’s what it really comes back to yeah well that’s our five moments today Carrie do we miss anything fun I thinkthat we just need to do it again and again I know right we’ll get you ondrama seasons well next season we’re gonna have all these men that’ll need coaching so that’s easier yes we’redefinitely hitting it hard next season because like we said we’ve got the older people we got all the men coming on it’sgonna be a whole lot of fun total fun so somebody wanted to find you on the Internet where would they go so they’rejust gonna go right over to Instagram I’m a simple gal so I might drive your thoughts coaching and you can just findme over there just drop in some love and some coaching a little bit and come onover and see me Isis I will have a link to your Instagram account on the shownotes which we’ll be Lindgren calm ab / episode 10 are we on episode 10 yes all right wellthanks carrie thanks so much Lynn okay

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Lynn Grogan host of the Reality Show Life Coach podcast

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Hi! I’m Lynn Grogan. It’s my passion as a life coach to help you escape the status quo and live a fulfilling life on your own terms!

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