I did something scary yesterday. After I wrote this post, I decided to take my coach up on her dare to me. She told me that maybe what I really needed to do is go TOWARD the vulnerability and just put it out there that I’m having a hard time with inadequacy and not feeling good enough.
So I did.
All Life Coach School coaches are invited to be a part of an alumni Slack group. It’s meant to be a place to share your wins and losses and support each other. My inner mean girl thinks it’s a battleground of judgment and on the regular, she tells me that it’s better to observe than to participate.
Posting something vulnerable in the group is the equivalent of when the dumb girl in the horror movie goes into the basement when she hears a strange noise. No matter how many times you scream Noooooooo! Dooooooon’t, she still goes there.
At time of posting, there were about 688 coaches in the group. 688 people to judge me. Since the post will stay active unless I delete it, more and more coaches will read it as they are added to the group. No pressure, right?
But my coach dared me and I trust her, so I went there.
Here’s what I wrote:
Text: I wanted to share my main takeaway from Mastermind. This was super hard for me to write, but here goes.
Mastermind was like an all you can eat buffet for my inner mean girl. I spent a lot of time judging myself and comparing myself to others. As you can guess, this made me feel like crap.
Sometimes I was able to watch my thoughts, but most of the time I was not aware of any of this.
When Brooke asked us how we wanted to show up to next year’s Mastermind, my immediate response was to think of all the ways I could action myself to feeling differently next year so that my mean girl brain wouldn’t show up. At the time, I really thought that was the answer.
I’ve been processing this for the past two weeks and have gotten coaching and here’s what I really want…
I want to show up to next year’s Mastermind with love. Love for me and love for all of you.
Everything else I do will just be a bonus.
My heart was beating so fast when I posted this. So fast. It felt like I had just walked into a room naked and everyone looked up, staring dumbly at me. I immediately wanted to eat or drink something to make the feelings go away. I didn’t, but I wanted to.
But then, of course, people were lovely about it. Here’s one of the responses.
Text: Lynn, I wonder how many others of us are going to read this and go, “YES!” and “Oh thank God, it’s not just me.” I know I did. Thank you SO much for sharing this. Can you imagine showing up with love for ourselves and everyone else? We’ll be levitating.
One of the things we talk about at The School is daring yourself to do scary things in order to build your self-confidence. This has certainly had that effect on me. My brain immediately started cooking up other scary things I could do like public speaking, telling my coach I want to present at one of our events next year, more group coaching.
Maybe it’s similar to jumping out of a plane. It terrifies you but after you jump, you wonder what else you can do. What else you’re capable of in life.
Like maybe I’m capable of so much more than I know.
P.S. I wish I could tell you that inner mean girl shut up after this, but alas, she did not. More on that tomorrow.