By the end of 2016 I had reached my all-time highest weight of 178 and was finally realizing that if I didn’t do something soon, I was going to keep gaining.
I joined a program that could help and while I told everyone that I just wanted to feel better, I had a secret goal in mind. I thought that losing the weight would transform me into a sex goddess.
The formula seemed simple: Lose 40+ lbs then become a sexual beast.
I didn’t tell anyone about this plan, but it seemed reasonable to me.
How often are we told that when we lose weight everything would be better?
For sure I could have anything I wanted in my 130’s, so I should dream big.
Fast forward 6 months and I’ve lost 45 lbs and am living at goal.
Instead of celebrating, I am very confused and kinda pissed.
My body had changed, but I was still fucking awkward. WTF?!?
It turns out I had made myself a promise that I was never going to be able to keep.
I had not realized that even with a different-sized body, I’d still have the same brain with the same thoughts about sex.
That broken promise was tough to overcome. In some ways it damaged my relationship with myself, at least temporarily.
When we tell ourselves that “there” is better than “here” we set ourselves up for this kind of devastation.
We withhold ourselves from experiencing joy now with the assumption that there will be so much joy later.
We forget that even when we get to goal, it will still be 50% positive and 50% negative in terms of our emotional landscape.
Sure some things will be better (it’s fun to wear size six jeans!), but some things will be worse (I actually will need to work on being comfortable being intimate).
My body didn’t “fix” my brain.
I think that this is one of the reasons why so many people lose weight and don’t keep it off.
All the things that they promised themselves would be better at goal don’t really happen. Then they start asking themselves why they bothered in the first place.
When they don’t feel better, they do the only thing they know to comfort themselves: they eat.
When I realized that this was happening to me post weight-loss, I was able to get help from my coach to see the big picture.
While losing the weight was never going to solve my intimacy issues, it did solve for something else. It freed up space in my brain to think about issues other than food and weight.
It also taught me how to aspire for and reach for a goal and train my brain to think differently in that process. That’s something even more valuable than a number on a scale or a size small tag on my t-shirt.